Today is potentially my least favourite day of the year.
It's the day that I feel obliged to text my mum to wish her a happy Mother's day. And usually just to keep the peace so that dad doesn't have to hear her moaning that I didn't text her.
Sure she gave birth to me, and for 14 years she did fill in the role of 'mother', but it seems not a job she excelled at. I think the only positive thing she passed on, or encouraged, was my passion and empathy for animals.
In the last few years, and especially after working with Jo, who knows my mum and the childhood she had, I feel a lot more sympathy for her than I would've felt possible at one stage. I understand that she did do the best she could based on her upbringing and being in a very shitty situation. But that doesn't actually make it ok to emotionally abuse your kids and leave them feeling defective and unloved.
I know that I've broken a majority of the cycle already. When I was first diagnosed with depression I vehemently didn't want medication or anything because I didn't want to be "mental" like my mother. But actually asking for help, knowing when I need it, and taking the necessary steps to get better, already puts my light years ahead of her.
The fact that I have dad and Jo, and have learned to love and accept that others love me (which admittedly I do still struggle with constantly but getting better at it nonetheless), also puts me at a great advantage in life, especially when I have my own kids. Loved ones are the reason why when I've been at my lowest, and can understand that feeling where an exit strategy is your best option, it doesn't go any further than that. I've been on the receiving end of that situation before, and I sure as hell could never put my dad through that.
But there is still a small nagging part of me that worries that you can't change where you come from. As much as I am my father's daughter, and very lucky to be so, she is still in me too and it does make me worry about my mothering ability for when the time comes. I know I am nothing like
her, but still it nags at me every so often.
My brother is still a mess. He does need to choose to make a change and to sort it out, and I worry that he never will. He has in so many ways passed those same issues on to his kids. It's just not fair.
I'm proud of the progress I have made. I still have a long way to go, and I need to learn to effectively mother myself more, but I'm a hell of a lot better off without mum than I ever was with her, so I don't understand why she should receive any recognition on this day.
The aspects that you don't want to pass on, you won't. For example, I love my parents but they failed to show affection to us kids, so I have become that clingy type of girl who needs hugs and physical touch all the time to prove that I am loved. I in turn, always tell my son I love him every night and hug him all the time (which he hates me for).
ReplyDeleteProblem is, that there is stuff you will unwillingly pass down which may not be from your parents. Regardless, you will Fuck up in one way or another.
Yep I have become that person too so I understand. I don't actually recall my mum ever hugging me or telling me she loved me. As a result I am very independent, but have craved affection like mad in the last few years.
DeleteI think everyone always fucks up at some point. But as long as its not as serious, or in the same vein as my mother, I'll get through it
You won't be like your mum, because you are afraid it is possible, which means you will do everything in your power not to be like her, which is all you need to do to not be like her. Did that make sense?
ReplyDeleteBesides, you are surrounded by people who love you, so you'd never make it that far into crazy land before we turned you back.
Maybe you could redefine what happy Mother's Day means in your head to your mum? Like maybe it means thank you for giving birth to me and giving me a great dad, even though the rest was a failure. Or it could mean I hope you are less crazy today, and one day have the capacity to realise how your inability to deal to your mental illness lead you to entirely fail me as a parent. You know, a subtle change in definition like that? :)
That did make sense. Though that could just be because we are both so special :P
DeleteThanks - its good to know I have people to keep me out of the depths of crazy land. I do visit there every so often but not for too long luckily.
Yep I like that. A 'thanks for birthing me' day.
As it is, I did text her and she replied 'Thank you Lol'. What the actual fuck? Basket case.