I'm starting to enjoy exercise. I've been doing a few different classes at the gym, and even though they kill me, I'm loving it. Sweaty, puffed, sore, exhausted. It's great.
I have been doing Pump, and then I did Combat and Attack the last few days. With a day off in between for recovery. I will start doing cardio or something lighter on the in between days when I'm a bit more adjusted.
Combat is so fun. I love punching and kicking. It's non-contact, which is a good starting point. But when I'm fitter and leaner I think I would love to take it further. Maybe I have anger/violence issues, but I do love it, and at least it's a constructive outlet.
Attack is just what it says. Jeebus. Running, jumping, squats, lunges, push ups, planks, some more running and jumping. I've done it before, years ago when a friend used to instruct the class in Palmy. But I had forgotten just how hard it is. Will definitely do it again though - although at a less busy time of day. There wasn't a lot of room to move yesterday. I almost didn't go at all because I was still sore from Sunday's class, but my cousin posted on FB that he had gone despite being sick and sunburned and I realised I should toughen up and stop making excuses. Now, if I can just do that with food as well...
I have also been watching and reading things with better female role models. The 'In Death' series by JD Robb - the main character is a cop and she is strong and tough and takes no shit. And then I have started re-watching the whole series of Buffy (thanks to a friend lending me the discs). It's funny how bad the early seasons are, but she does certainly kick arse. Any other recommendations of things to watch/read with similar characters would be very much appreciated :)
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Thrust the candle to the dark of your disease
I remember, when I broke up with my ex, that part of me was really pissed off that he didn't fight for me.
I mean, it's probably a very good indicator that breaking up was the best decision for both of us, but at the time it bugged me.
Makes perfect sense though considering that I don't seem to care enough to fight for me either.
I need to put myself first. I need to fight for myself because no one else will do it for me. For Happy to win more often than Misery. It makes me think of this:
I mean, it's probably a very good indicator that breaking up was the best decision for both of us, but at the time it bugged me.
Makes perfect sense though considering that I don't seem to care enough to fight for me either.
I need to put myself first. I need to fight for myself because no one else will do it for me. For Happy to win more often than Misery. It makes me think of this:
An old Cherokee
Is teaching his grandson about life.
“A fight is going on inside me, ” he said to the boy,
“It is a terrible fight between two wolves,
One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret,
Greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
Integrant, lies false pride, superiority, and ego, ”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace,
Love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
Empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith,
The same fight is going on inside you –
And inside every other person, too, ”
The grandson then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win? ”
The old Cherokee simply replied,
“The one you feed”
Sean Hurrell
Monday, March 25, 2013
I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
There's obviously a part of my brain that wants to stay as I am - fat, unhealthy and unhappy. That part that sabotages all my efforts. That convinces myself that I must have a burger, or coke, or chips.
Overcoming my internal bitch is hard. I'm getting better at going to the gym despite all her excuses, but it's the food side that I really struggle with. Which, unfortunately, is 80% of the battle.
Logically, it doesn't make sense. I have even made a couple of pro/con lists for losing weight, so that I have evidence of it being the best thing to do. And yet that side of me wants to hold on to it. Maybe there's a safety in being overweight. I know it puts guys off, and despite wanting a relationship, at least this way I don't get hurt because no one gets close enough in the first place. Same with attempting new things - I can blame being shit at an activity on my size, and as a good reason not to try it in the first place.
But in every other way, it hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally. So I have to work on proving to myself that life will be so much better, and knocking my internal demon off her high horse...
Overcoming my internal bitch is hard. I'm getting better at going to the gym despite all her excuses, but it's the food side that I really struggle with. Which, unfortunately, is 80% of the battle.
Logically, it doesn't make sense. I have even made a couple of pro/con lists for losing weight, so that I have evidence of it being the best thing to do. And yet that side of me wants to hold on to it. Maybe there's a safety in being overweight. I know it puts guys off, and despite wanting a relationship, at least this way I don't get hurt because no one gets close enough in the first place. Same with attempting new things - I can blame being shit at an activity on my size, and as a good reason not to try it in the first place.
But in every other way, it hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally. So I have to work on proving to myself that life will be so much better, and knocking my internal demon off her high horse...
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My heart is under arrest again but I'll break loose
Last night, I went and saw the latest Die Hard movie with my Dad. It wasn't great. Some might even call it awful. But I loved it. I loved the ridiculousness and the unrealistic action sequences, and the aging Bruce Willis. I just love that franchise and though this is by far the worst of the series, I still enjoyed it.
And there was a stand out character, played by Jai Courtenay. Mostly because, well, he's hot. And built, and buff and just drool-worthy.
There is a point to this, I swear.
It got me thinking. I have gone out with (and lusted after, drooled over, whatever you want to class it as) a few different types of guys. In fact, the guys Ive been with have been quite different from those I have dreamed of.
But the kind of guys I'm really attracted to are the built and buff guys, the Rocks of this world. That takes a high level of dedication, discipline and commitment to health and fitness. In order to be with, or even attract, that kind of guy, it would help to be at their level, or at least up near there somewhere. At the moment, I'm on the bottom rung, slowly trying to clamber my way up.
While I know I shouldn't have to lose weight to attract a guy or whatever, that I should just do it for myself, it's more about the mindset and actions than it is about weight. I am not attracted to guys with a similar physical appearance to me, who are lazy or unmotivated. And yet I want that hot guy to be attracted to me when I myself am that way? Not going to happen (I'm aware that my chances of Momoa ever knowing I'm alive, let alone being attracted, are very slim, but a girl can dream)
And there was a stand out character, played by Jai Courtenay. Mostly because, well, he's hot. And built, and buff and just drool-worthy.
There is a point to this, I swear.
It got me thinking. I have gone out with (and lusted after, drooled over, whatever you want to class it as) a few different types of guys. In fact, the guys Ive been with have been quite different from those I have dreamed of.
But the kind of guys I'm really attracted to are the built and buff guys, the Rocks of this world. That takes a high level of dedication, discipline and commitment to health and fitness. In order to be with, or even attract, that kind of guy, it would help to be at their level, or at least up near there somewhere. At the moment, I'm on the bottom rung, slowly trying to clamber my way up.
While I know I shouldn't have to lose weight to attract a guy or whatever, that I should just do it for myself, it's more about the mindset and actions than it is about weight. I am not attracted to guys with a similar physical appearance to me, who are lazy or unmotivated. And yet I want that hot guy to be attracted to me when I myself am that way? Not going to happen (I'm aware that my chances of Momoa ever knowing I'm alive, let alone being attracted, are very slim, but a girl can dream)
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Everytime I hate you I think of you first
We are a nation of short poppies.
Between the blogs I read yesterday, and an email from a good friend this morning, it's got me thinking about this.
I am awful to myself. I would never dream of saying the things that I say to myself to anyone else. It would be horrible. Even when I thoroughly dislike (I rarely hate) people, I could not bring myself to say things that mean. And I have to actively try to be kinder to myself. It's a freaking struggle. And at the moment, I might say I'm at a 90:10 ratio or cruel:kind. The sad thing is, that seriously skewed ratio is a bit optimistic and is still quite a significant improvement. It's part of why I find it so hard to accept compliments; I don't believe that nice things could possibly be true because I sure as hell do not see myself that way.
As my friend pointed out, "we're trained not to puff ourselves up, to put ourselves down and not get a big head". And NZ as a country is particularly guilty of this. It's the phenomenon of Tall Poppy Syndrome. As a nation, we are quick to knock people down, and reluctant to bolster them up. And if you are actually good at something? Forget about it. You only have to look at the way we treat our national sports teams to see evidence of this.
I remember if I got good marks in an exam or assignment at school, feeling the need to downplay it because it wasn't cool to be smart or to do well. No one wanted to be that "arrogant" or "cocky" confident person who is proud of themselves.
And yet, other countries, such as the USA and Australia, are full of those kind of people. Which is possibly why we have such a rivalry with the Aussies, and such a general dislike for a lot of Americans. Maybe we find their self-confidence threatening? A bit of research (okay, I just used Wikipedia) shows that it is primarily the UK, Canada and NZ that identify with tall poppy syndrome. In fact I remember talking to an American girl and mentioning it to her and she had no idea what it was, and thought it was a craziest concept, but one she had noticed happening while she was here.
I don't see it stopping anytime soon. But it's important to be kinder to ourselves and replace negative thoughts with positive ones, or at least to prepare a kind thought after each mean one, to balance it out and even out that ratio a little more. Speak to yourself like you would to a friend, bolster yourself up, take some pride. We are actually all awesome, even me.
Between the blogs I read yesterday, and an email from a good friend this morning, it's got me thinking about this.
I am awful to myself. I would never dream of saying the things that I say to myself to anyone else. It would be horrible. Even when I thoroughly dislike (I rarely hate) people, I could not bring myself to say things that mean. And I have to actively try to be kinder to myself. It's a freaking struggle. And at the moment, I might say I'm at a 90:10 ratio or cruel:kind. The sad thing is, that seriously skewed ratio is a bit optimistic and is still quite a significant improvement. It's part of why I find it so hard to accept compliments; I don't believe that nice things could possibly be true because I sure as hell do not see myself that way.
As my friend pointed out, "we're trained not to puff ourselves up, to put ourselves down and not get a big head". And NZ as a country is particularly guilty of this. It's the phenomenon of Tall Poppy Syndrome. As a nation, we are quick to knock people down, and reluctant to bolster them up. And if you are actually good at something? Forget about it. You only have to look at the way we treat our national sports teams to see evidence of this.
I remember if I got good marks in an exam or assignment at school, feeling the need to downplay it because it wasn't cool to be smart or to do well. No one wanted to be that "arrogant" or "cocky" confident person who is proud of themselves.
And yet, other countries, such as the USA and Australia, are full of those kind of people. Which is possibly why we have such a rivalry with the Aussies, and such a general dislike for a lot of Americans. Maybe we find their self-confidence threatening? A bit of research (okay, I just used Wikipedia) shows that it is primarily the UK, Canada and NZ that identify with tall poppy syndrome. In fact I remember talking to an American girl and mentioning it to her and she had no idea what it was, and thought it was a craziest concept, but one she had noticed happening while she was here.
I don't see it stopping anytime soon. But it's important to be kinder to ourselves and replace negative thoughts with positive ones, or at least to prepare a kind thought after each mean one, to balance it out and even out that ratio a little more. Speak to yourself like you would to a friend, bolster yourself up, take some pride. We are actually all awesome, even me.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Why should I wait for love if it comes as fast as he did?
Thought I would share another very interesting blog/article from James Clear. Here it is
(and actually, spend some time to read through more of his articles because they are brilliant)
It's a further reminder that the battle with the mind is the biggest battle of all. And even just a simple change from "I can't" to "I don't" can make all the difference. It makes perfect sense. 'Can't' gives that feeling of being able to, and feeling deprived because it has been taken away from you. Whereas using 'don't' instead gives the implication of choice, and it further confirms the identity you have for yourself.
I could read his articles all day long, except I'm sure my tiny little mind can only absorb so much. And it's a bit like collecting underpants
(and actually, spend some time to read through more of his articles because they are brilliant)
It's a further reminder that the battle with the mind is the biggest battle of all. And even just a simple change from "I can't" to "I don't" can make all the difference. It makes perfect sense. 'Can't' gives that feeling of being able to, and feeling deprived because it has been taken away from you. Whereas using 'don't' instead gives the implication of choice, and it further confirms the identity you have for yourself.
I could read his articles all day long, except I'm sure my tiny little mind can only absorb so much. And it's a bit like collecting underpants
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die
I went to Pump again last night. And though my muscles were burning during the class, I'm moving a lot easier today than I was last Tuesday. I'm sure some soreness will kick in tomorrow (the joy of DOMS), but it's good to know that I've improved even just that much in such a short time. FTW.
I must say, its a bit intimidating being in there with my 1kg weights, while everyone around me is using 5kgs. But then I have to remind myself that they've been doing it longer than I have. And completing it is more important at this point. I have a great habit of talking smack about myself, and I have to remember that the only person calling me 'weak' is myself, and no one else in that room (and if they are, fuck them!).
It also occurred to me, after last week's class, that I didn't eat much really good quality protein, so I must make more of an effort to do that to help my muscles recover.
I must say, its a bit intimidating being in there with my 1kg weights, while everyone around me is using 5kgs. But then I have to remind myself that they've been doing it longer than I have. And completing it is more important at this point. I have a great habit of talking smack about myself, and I have to remember that the only person calling me 'weak' is myself, and no one else in that room (and if they are, fuck them!).
It also occurred to me, after last week's class, that I didn't eat much really good quality protein, so I must make more of an effort to do that to help my muscles recover.
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