Well well. A wee bit has changed lately. Despite my absolute lack of confidence, I managed to score the job I was talking about in my last post. I have 2 weeks left of my current shitty job, a week off to prepare and panic, and then I get to be a vet nurse again. And back at Massey in the Vet Hospital where it all began, just as a staff member instead of a student this time. I am excited but nervousness is the primary emotion still at this stage!
Despite some of the staff remembering me, I can essentially reinvent myself to who I want to be. 3 weeks to form some healthy habits and prepare for a new life, as it were.
It was Jeremy's 11th anniversary this week. I thought I was feeling better about it. Actually, I know I am overall. I am much better these days at remembering him with more smiles than tears. That said, it hit me like a punch to the face on Thursday. I was grumpy as hell, and just overwhelmingly off all day. But it was better than the previous years. And he sent me a fantail to brighten my day on Friday.
I've also been to a yoga class (which reminded me how much I enjoy yoga, even though this was not really the right class for me), and a meditation class. Reminding myself to breathe and be more aware of myself is definitely good for my soul.
I am still having my down moments but overall feeling happier. Now I just need to stop letting other people have so much emphasis on how I feel about myself and remind myself that I am awesome and people should want to spend time with me. Its their loss if they don't and I should try not to take it so personally.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I am having a confidence crisis. In almost areas of my life.
I eat well for a few days or a week, and then I am convinced
that I will fail, or that it won’t make any difference in my life even if I did
succeed, and I give up and go back to bad habits.
I hate my job, but it is comfortable and I feel like I will
never get a vet nursing job, because I have never had a full nursing job before
and I no longer have half the skills required, and no one wants to take on a
nurse who needs retraining in some areas. And I feel like I am crap at the job
so it is easier to stay in a job I am good at that I don’t give a fuck about,
rather than risk failing at something I want.
I think I am scared of going to Canada because it means so
much to me, and I keep sabotaging my own saving efforts, because I don’t think
I can hack it.
I feel like I have to be the one to initiate hanging out
with friends a majority of the time, and then that they only spend time with me
because I badger them into it. I think this is why I don’t have many friends
anymore – is because I am so sure they are happy to be without me that I stop
putting much effort in. They also don’t put in the effort but I know I am
mostly to blame.
I want to get fitter and stronger, not just to lose weight,
but to feel like I would do better at vet nursing or zoo jobs, but I am so
convinced that I am shit at it that I give up in that area too.
I thought I was doing better. Some days I am.
I have a vet nursing interview next week. I almost want to
cancel since I am sure I won’t get it anyway that I don’t see what the point
is. How can I work in a teaching hospital if I need to be taught myself?
Friday, May 30, 2014
With a taste of a poison paradise...
It's been a few crazy week.
The puppies are now eight weeks old and half of them leave us for new homes tomorrow. I predict a small flood of tears....
Last week I had some time off and went up to Auckland to hang with friends up there, and also spend time with both of my besties. I am lucky enough to have two of the very best friends a girl could ask for. Went to Michael Buble (only been waiting FOREVER for him to come to NZ), and had the surreal experience of hooking up with a semi-famous musician from the support act - hot!!! Stuff like that never happens to me - was a pretty proud moment I'm not going to lie.
Also did a bridge swing - being dropped from 80m up to free fall and then swing at the end of the rope. Once you fall though, the canyon is beautiful and it was rather peaceful.
My healthy eating has fallen way way by the wayside. I figured the other day that there are 31 weeks until the end of 2014. I aim to get myself back on track to be firmly down in double digits by the new year. Not because of what other people think, but to make myself feel better and able to move easier etc. Even just eating better does make me feel healthier and have more energy, and all that crap that people preach at you. Sadly it is true, but it is hard work. Life is too short to deprive yourself and worry too much about food and weight and stuff, but at the same time, it's also too short to make it even shorter by putting your health at risk, and I would like to feel fit and healthy at least once in my adult life - especially if I ever hope to have kids.
Got to see my niece and sister-in-law today. Love them so much. Do not spend nearly enough time with them and my niece is a teenager already. It's a bit scary. Time goes way too quickly.
The puppies are now eight weeks old and half of them leave us for new homes tomorrow. I predict a small flood of tears....
Last week I had some time off and went up to Auckland to hang with friends up there, and also spend time with both of my besties. I am lucky enough to have two of the very best friends a girl could ask for. Went to Michael Buble (only been waiting FOREVER for him to come to NZ), and had the surreal experience of hooking up with a semi-famous musician from the support act - hot!!! Stuff like that never happens to me - was a pretty proud moment I'm not going to lie.
Also did a bridge swing - being dropped from 80m up to free fall and then swing at the end of the rope. Once you fall though, the canyon is beautiful and it was rather peaceful.
My healthy eating has fallen way way by the wayside. I figured the other day that there are 31 weeks until the end of 2014. I aim to get myself back on track to be firmly down in double digits by the new year. Not because of what other people think, but to make myself feel better and able to move easier etc. Even just eating better does make me feel healthier and have more energy, and all that crap that people preach at you. Sadly it is true, but it is hard work. Life is too short to deprive yourself and worry too much about food and weight and stuff, but at the same time, it's also too short to make it even shorter by putting your health at risk, and I would like to feel fit and healthy at least once in my adult life - especially if I ever hope to have kids.
Got to see my niece and sister-in-law today. Love them so much. Do not spend nearly enough time with them and my niece is a teenager already. It's a bit scary. Time goes way too quickly.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
I wanna be free, I wanna just live
Today is potentially my least favourite day of the year.
It's the day that I feel obliged to text my mum to wish her a happy Mother's day. And usually just to keep the peace so that dad doesn't have to hear her moaning that I didn't text her.
Sure she gave birth to me, and for 14 years she did fill in the role of 'mother', but it seems not a job she excelled at. I think the only positive thing she passed on, or encouraged, was my passion and empathy for animals.
In the last few years, and especially after working with Jo, who knows my mum and the childhood she had, I feel a lot more sympathy for her than I would've felt possible at one stage. I understand that she did do the best she could based on her upbringing and being in a very shitty situation. But that doesn't actually make it ok to emotionally abuse your kids and leave them feeling defective and unloved.
I know that I've broken a majority of the cycle already. When I was first diagnosed with depression I vehemently didn't want medication or anything because I didn't want to be "mental" like my mother. But actually asking for help, knowing when I need it, and taking the necessary steps to get better, already puts my light years ahead of her.
The fact that I have dad and Jo, and have learned to love and accept that others love me (which admittedly I do still struggle with constantly but getting better at it nonetheless), also puts me at a great advantage in life, especially when I have my own kids. Loved ones are the reason why when I've been at my lowest, and can understand that feeling where an exit strategy is your best option, it doesn't go any further than that. I've been on the receiving end of that situation before, and I sure as hell could never put my dad through that.
But there is still a small nagging part of me that worries that you can't change where you come from. As much as I am my father's daughter, and very lucky to be so, she is still in me too and it does make me worry about my mothering ability for when the time comes. I know I am nothing like
her, but still it nags at me every so often.
My brother is still a mess. He does need to choose to make a change and to sort it out, and I worry that he never will. He has in so many ways passed those same issues on to his kids. It's just not fair.
I'm proud of the progress I have made. I still have a long way to go, and I need to learn to effectively mother myself more, but I'm a hell of a lot better off without mum than I ever was with her, so I don't understand why she should receive any recognition on this day.
It's the day that I feel obliged to text my mum to wish her a happy Mother's day. And usually just to keep the peace so that dad doesn't have to hear her moaning that I didn't text her.
Sure she gave birth to me, and for 14 years she did fill in the role of 'mother', but it seems not a job she excelled at. I think the only positive thing she passed on, or encouraged, was my passion and empathy for animals.
In the last few years, and especially after working with Jo, who knows my mum and the childhood she had, I feel a lot more sympathy for her than I would've felt possible at one stage. I understand that she did do the best she could based on her upbringing and being in a very shitty situation. But that doesn't actually make it ok to emotionally abuse your kids and leave them feeling defective and unloved.
I know that I've broken a majority of the cycle already. When I was first diagnosed with depression I vehemently didn't want medication or anything because I didn't want to be "mental" like my mother. But actually asking for help, knowing when I need it, and taking the necessary steps to get better, already puts my light years ahead of her.
The fact that I have dad and Jo, and have learned to love and accept that others love me (which admittedly I do still struggle with constantly but getting better at it nonetheless), also puts me at a great advantage in life, especially when I have my own kids. Loved ones are the reason why when I've been at my lowest, and can understand that feeling where an exit strategy is your best option, it doesn't go any further than that. I've been on the receiving end of that situation before, and I sure as hell could never put my dad through that.
But there is still a small nagging part of me that worries that you can't change where you come from. As much as I am my father's daughter, and very lucky to be so, she is still in me too and it does make me worry about my mothering ability for when the time comes. I know I am nothing like
her, but still it nags at me every so often.
My brother is still a mess. He does need to choose to make a change and to sort it out, and I worry that he never will. He has in so many ways passed those same issues on to his kids. It's just not fair.
I'm proud of the progress I have made. I still have a long way to go, and I need to learn to effectively mother myself more, but I'm a hell of a lot better off without mum than I ever was with her, so I don't understand why she should receive any recognition on this day.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Forever never seems that long until you're grown
Goodness it's a tad chilly tonight.
Puppies are growing rapidly - they are almost all 1.5kgs each - and they're only just over 2 weeks old. Little fatties. Everyone feeding well and Mama is looking good too. I wish I could keep them all. Though give me a couple of weeks more and I'm sure I'll take that back once they're in to EVERYTHING!
Not a lot else going on. First day back at work today after 12 days in a row of freedom. So hard to get up and drag myself in to the office. Not helped by the muppets I work with, and the students we have to deal with. Sometimes I don't hate my job, but I generally can't stand it.
In a month's time I get to go see Michael Buble! Woop woop so excited! Love that handsome son of a gun.I get time with both besties, and some Auckland-friend catch-up time.
Still liking the boy. Still not sure where it's going or what is happening, but feeling easier about it. For this week at least. Who knows where my emotions will take me next week.
Puppies are growing rapidly - they are almost all 1.5kgs each - and they're only just over 2 weeks old. Little fatties. Everyone feeding well and Mama is looking good too. I wish I could keep them all. Though give me a couple of weeks more and I'm sure I'll take that back once they're in to EVERYTHING!
Not a lot else going on. First day back at work today after 12 days in a row of freedom. So hard to get up and drag myself in to the office. Not helped by the muppets I work with, and the students we have to deal with. Sometimes I don't hate my job, but I generally can't stand it.
In a month's time I get to go see Michael Buble! Woop woop so excited! Love that handsome son of a gun.I get time with both besties, and some Auckland-friend catch-up time.
Still liking the boy. Still not sure where it's going or what is happening, but feeling easier about it. For this week at least. Who knows where my emotions will take me next week.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to feel
The problem with guys is how we let them make us feel.
The reason I try to resist liking guys is because, when the inevitable rejection occurs, it just reaffirms all the shit things I think about myself.
And if they want something physical, it makes you feel less shit about your body. But that's actually worse because instead it makes you doubt everything about who you are as a person.
I don't want to pretend to be anyone but myself when I'm getting to know someone, but at the same time, being who I am doesn't seem to be helping me win....
Late night sadness rant over.
The reason I try to resist liking guys is because, when the inevitable rejection occurs, it just reaffirms all the shit things I think about myself.
And if they want something physical, it makes you feel less shit about your body. But that's actually worse because instead it makes you doubt everything about who you are as a person.
I don't want to pretend to be anyone but myself when I'm getting to know someone, but at the same time, being who I am doesn't seem to be helping me win....
Late night sadness rant over.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
If you feel you're falling won't you let me know
Another week down.
I have the next week off work - I can't wait. I had originally thought I would go down to see my niece, nephew and sister-in-law. But since I went to Auckland last month, and am going to Auckland next month, and bought tickets to Justin Timberlake for later in the year, I can't afford a ferry/road trip down south. Hopefully later in the year.
Instead I have 6 adorable puppies to waste away a week with. Their eyes will be open soon and it will be nice to have cuddles with them before they become terrors.
Guys still confuse me - and mostly I just confuse myself. Trying to just go with the flow.
Might go to Wellington for a day or two next week - want to book in my next tattoo and catch up with a couple of friends. But mostly I will have lazy mornings reading in bed and afternoons filled with animals. Pretty excited about it :)
I have the next week off work - I can't wait. I had originally thought I would go down to see my niece, nephew and sister-in-law. But since I went to Auckland last month, and am going to Auckland next month, and bought tickets to Justin Timberlake for later in the year, I can't afford a ferry/road trip down south. Hopefully later in the year.
Instead I have 6 adorable puppies to waste away a week with. Their eyes will be open soon and it will be nice to have cuddles with them before they become terrors.
Guys still confuse me - and mostly I just confuse myself. Trying to just go with the flow.
Might go to Wellington for a day or two next week - want to book in my next tattoo and catch up with a couple of friends. But mostly I will have lazy mornings reading in bed and afternoons filled with animals. Pretty excited about it :)
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