Right time for an update.
Compared to my last post, I'm still at the top of the building, but I'm more safely ensconced in the centre of the roof and not teetering on the the ledge.
I went to the doctor, and have been given some little white happy pills. They do take 2-3 weeks to kick in, so its still a bit of a process until they take effect (or not, which is also a possibility, in which case we try a different type). One of the turning points to make me realise I had to (aside from comments from my last post), was talking about going to Canada and being more excited about the idea of being eaten by a polar bear than by actually getting to see a polar bear for reals.
I've tried to focus on any small positive that has come my way, but it has still been a shit week.
I went to Wellington last weekend to have a girls night, and to play with the world's greatest dog, which was lovely. And five glasses of wine helped me sleep.
I went for a walk on Tuesday with friends, only to have my lower back so sore that I could only do about half of it before I had to give up. I almost didn't go at all because the thought of being surrounded by so many people (it's a fun-walk event that about 1500 people turn up to) made me start having a panic attack, so that probably didn't help.
Wednesday I went to my friend who does my nails - which was a good perk-me-up type of affair. And she is ending her relationship that she has been unhappy and settled in, so a win for her!
The guy that I liked, who told me that he had been doing some thinking and decided he was better on his own for now, keeps posting things about how he wishes he wasn't single. It makes me want to punch him in the face just a little bit.
Mostly I am still feeling very fat and unattractive, but still not at a point to do something about it. I hate myself, but I also don't care.
Baby steps forward.....
I am sorry you got sore, take care of yourself but don't let it put you off your goals. Also, panic attacks suck. But again, don't let them win.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if my mother reads these, but I know what she would say to this.
If you want people to love you, you have to learn to love yourself. It isn't your weight, and it isn't your face that is selling you short here, it is your self loathing that is the problem.
And if you could remember that your depression lies for a minute and think about it you will see that it is true, plenty of people think you are attractive, and you have been loved before, though your appearance hasn't markedly changed.
If you hate yourself, people can sense that, and it turns them off before they have even given you a chance because they figure that you know better than they do. When you love yourself it glows through you, that is what makes people attracted to you - more than your weight or anything else physical about you.
So lets work on loving yourself some ok? (not necessarily in a dodgy way...) Hopefully those happy white pills will help!
Also, that guy is clearly a muppet. A punch in the face is definitely in order for him. More importantly though, looks like he is single because he deserves to be.
How does one learn to love themself? It's so freaking hard.....
DeleteIf love was easy everybody'd be doing it? It is hard, and you should be suspicious of anyone who tells you otherwise. :)
DeleteI don't know if I am the best person to get advice about loving yourself from. I got told I had to (probably by mum) and I went at it with bloody mindedness until I did. I try to be really self aware, and accept just who I am, and like who I am, and if I decide I don't like something about me I try to change it (using all the tools at my disposal including google, vindictiveness and stubbornness). Mum told me to do self affirmations, but I am terrible at those, if they work for you then you could do them - write it on your mirror so you don't forget or get someone else to if it makes you feel less silly. Also, if saying aloud "I am a divine being moving ever toward grace" (or whatever) doesn't work for you, try "fuck I am awesome" cause that is on the same page.
I guess another way to start is to try dating yourself. Act like you just met yourself. Show yourself your best aspects and qualities, and concentrate on those, brushing the embarrassing or uncool stuff under the table. Celebrate the awesome things about you, your interests, your intelligence, your skills. Show off to you, like you would to someone you were dating. Amaze yourself with your own adventurousness etc. You will discover that you would totally fall in love with you, if you were someone else, so why don't you love you? and then you can fart in bed in front of yourself, and realise that it doesn't make you fall out of love with you. Just don't hold your own head under the covers.
Ok, that metaphor went a little too far...
For other (perhaps more effective) strategies, perhaps talk to Jo. Or google might have some ideas.
Just remember, it probably will be hard at first. Love always is. That is part of what is beautiful about it, I think. And then suddenly, you won't understand why you thought it was ever hard. And then you will remember again. And so on.
I like this person above. Listen to her pearls of wisdom lovely. Boys are the devil so until your prince charming finds you learn to love yourself xx
ReplyDeleteI like her too. She is actually the bestest.
DeleteBoys ARE the devil.