Warning - depression ahead. Do not journey onward if you do not want to go for a drive to negativity-town or a plunge into low-self-esteem-ville. This is not a fishing expedition where I search for compliments and platitudes. It just is what it is.
I've just hit a bit of a downward spiral. It happens every so often, sometimes worse than others. Sometimes it's easy enough to pick myself up and dust myself off, while other times it keeps going down until rock bottom becomes scarily close.
At the moment I am somewhere in the middle, but on a definite decline. I'm hoping a rant, and getting things out, will help halt the steep slope.
After losing a fair chunk of weight in 2012, I have now put that back on plus just a little extra, to now weigh the most I ever have in my life. It makes me cry quite regularly. And so very angry at myself. Disappointed. And yet, last time I was around this weight, I had a long-term boyfriend so go figure.... But it might be a good sign of why that didn't work out in the end, given how amazingly shit I feel about myself. It's that thing where I know what I need to do, and yet I don't do it, and then get angry when that ends up with me moving further back in the wrong direction *facepalm*
I feel like possibly one of the least attractive people on the planet. Every so often I can feel pretty, and take a picture (with Instagram filters) for a quick mood-boost, but that only then highlights how much I hate the rest of myself and I end up feeling just as shite all over again. I don't hold out much hope for any guy ever finding me attractive in the near future. What's worse, is that I don't blame that at all, which somehow actually makes me feel worse.
I also feel like no one ever wants to spend time with me. That's not completely true since there are some people that do, and I thank them muchly for that. But there are those with whom I feel like I have to do the chasing. It's a fun part of the start of a relationship, but not so much in a supposedly well-established friendship. Some friends I feel like if I never contacted them, I would actually never see them. (Some I contact and still never get to see them anyway unless I go the extra mile, such as supporting them at gigs or events). And then I feel as though when I do see them, they only hang out with me because I badger them and they feel obliged. And I feel taken for granted and unappreciated by them overall. This shouldn't really surprise me given the way I feel about myself, but maybe I made the mistake of thinking I had unconditional relationships with these people, and yet I am the only one putting in any work. Meh.
Part of me wants to just disappear. A side of me that wonders who would even care. (Turns out depressed me is a bit of poet....). And perhaps that is the reason I don't take care of myself after all. It's all a bit of a catch 22 situation. The improvement in mindset I guess needs to come first, but it all feels kind of hopeless at times.
End of depression rant. And in case anyone reads this and worries, I am actually 'OK'.
Pretty much feeling the same here, too - maybe there's something in the air. I can't stand myself, and I just want to sleep and watch movies all day every day. Lucky I like my job now, or I'd be using up all my sick leave and annual leave like I did in other jobs!
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about seeing the doc for a course of fluoxetine or something?
Also, I've read a couple of articles lately (one by Mark Sisson, one by Chris Kresser) about the relationship between healthy behaviour an emotions - it's worth thinking about whether your low mood is caused by gaining weight, or the other way around.
Yeah its a bit of an evil cycle. I'm overweight because I'm depressed, and then I get more depressed about being overweight, and around and round it goes.
DeleteI am thinking the doctor might be a go....
Firstly, I'd care. It would break my heart if anything happened to you, accidental or otherwise, and I'd never get over it. I want to spend my life laughing with you or even crying with you, not crying over you. And that is up to me, so there isn't anything your lieing depression can say on the topic.
ReplyDeleteIt has been said before, but losing weight is fucking hard, even for people in perfect mental health with no baggage. You have lost weight before, and you can do it again (and your weight doesn't define whether or not you are beautiful anyway). I know you feel discouraged and your depression is anchoring itself there, but you can do it, you really can and you will realise that once you kick that depression out on its arse.
Also, we make a fuss about how selfish teens and early twenties people are, but actually, people our age are fucking selfish. Its just "society normal" selfish so they get away with it - being focused on their families and careers to the exclusion of their friendships because "work" and "kids" etc for some reason means no one calls them out on not making an effort unless they need something. I mean, it is hard to balance all that and hobbies and relationships etc, but that is life.
If you haven't visited the doctor, could you please do that?
Firstly - damn you and your tear producing capabilities.
DeleteIt just sucks. People want to spend time with their partners, and I get that, but surely they remember they have friends too? Or they spend their time as a partner with their other partnered friends.... I miss having single friends to go and do stuff and perve at boys with. Life really does get in the way sometimes and it really makes everything that little bit harder.
And yes - I am thinking that the doctor is a plan.