I'm a little bit rusty and I think my head is caving in

I have been convinced that in May I am going to walk a half marathon in Rotorua. This week I did my first 3km training walk. I've got 4 months to get up to walking 21km, and I am pretty optimistic I must say....

I also want to do an obstacle run. There is the Tough Guy/Gal challenge on in Palmerston North this year. It just happens to be on my birthday. Rather than seeing that as an excuse not to do it, I have decided it is the perfect reason to do it. I mean, who doesn't want to run through mud and swamps on their birthday right? That is a 6km run also, so currently I am slowly training up for that. Just general fitness and walks to begin with. I'm not a runner and may never be.

Aside from that, it's a bit of a poopy week. The dreaded time of the month has arrived, bringing with it some of the worst cramps I've had in ages, and just a touch of vomiting. Good times. I am definitely coming back as a male in my next life. Or at least as someone with a kinder uterus.

I also just emotionally feel like shite. Sadly, the cause is those freaking males again. Well, partly that and partly my own fucked-up-ness. I have been flirty bantering back and forth with a guy for over a month, and it is never going to come to anything, which makes me both sad and angry. I have been single for over 2 years now, and it has been just under that since I have had any physical affection (some would just call this sex - I don't really have the capacity for clever synonyms today). And along comes a guy I met out one night, who then started messaging me and it got rather hot a few times, and we talked about it needing to become a reality instead of just words. But this week I am house sitting and, when he was offered the opportunity and declined, I realised perhaps he was just a gobshite after all. Men. So it made me sad because I was starting to quite like him, despite not spending much actual time with him. And sad and mad because I wanted affection as well as needing to get laid. And then sadder because I have decided it is not anything to do with his own state (which due to the loss of a family member is in a bit of disarray) but is of course because I am not actually sexually attractive. Not to myself, so why would I be to anyone else.

It comes and goes in waves. I think the times I feel ok about is more just to do with being the same times that I don't really think about it. And any little setback is enough to throw me off the edge. Even more reason to be single for a while since it can be stressful to battle with that at the start of a new relationship - both to me and the other party. But then being single just adds to it too. Silly little mind games that we play with ourselves.