It's so hard to win when there's so much to lose

The more I think about it, I realise I really am quite OK being single.

I think about my previous relationship. If I had really wanted to get married and have kids, I could be there already. If I had stuck with it, I would have got the ring, and a wedding, and be on my way to the children zone as well. You'd think achieving a dream would bring happiness too, but that's not always the case. There comes a time when you have to realise exactly what it is that you are after, and refine your dream that little bit further, to make sure you get an outcome that you can live with long term.

Rather than just 'I want to get married and have a family', that has been refined to include the caveat "with the right person". What is the point of getting what you want, if it's not actually all that you could dream of? If it only makes you happy for a minute, or not at all, and is something you then have to live with forever? Sure you can get divorced, but if me and J had had kids, he would have been a part of my life for the rest of my foreseeable life. I, for one, am quite glad that didn't happen. We would both be miserable, and resent the hell out of each other. And who wants to live in that environment?

Deciding to end our relationship was by far the toughest decision I have ever made. Choosing to put your own happiness ahead of someone else's is not easy at all. It feels selfish, and for someone like me who doesn't like people not liking me, having someone hate you is really difficult. Especially since we lived together for another few weeks after me calling it off.

He is happy with someone else now. Part of me is jealous of this, and more than just a little bit envious, but I wouldn't go back there even if you paid me.

When I was younger (about 17?), a friend of mine (who is my "mum" in the absence of a real mum), was engaged and planning a wedding. I asked if she was happy and she said she was 'OK'. To which I went into a rant about how OK is not OK, and sure there are times when OK is OK, but in the end, OK is not good, and do you just want your life to be 'ok'? Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an 'ok' relationship? (I was a pretty smart kid...)

I get it. There are people who are genuinely scared of being alone. I have one friend who is in a relationship with someone who loved someone else, but she can't be on her own, so at least that was better than being without. And other friends that seem to be staying put where they are because they are not sure if there is actually anything better out there, or because starting over is too much hard work.

Being alone can suck. At times it is awful and lonely and it makes you depressed as a mother fucker. But being with someone who doesn't make you happy, and who you don't make that happy in return, is way more depressing. The idea of that genuinely makes me want to jump off a cliff.

DO NOT SETTLE!! Maybe I am idealistic. Maybe too many books and movies make my expectations way too high and ridiculous. But there has got to be some wiggle room between 'OK' and 'amazing', and I am not settling for less than at least 'good'.