Right time for an update.
Compared to my last post, I'm still at the top of the building, but I'm more safely ensconced in the centre of the roof and not teetering on the the ledge.
I went to the doctor, and have been given some little white happy pills. They do take 2-3 weeks to kick in, so its still a bit of a process until they take effect (or not, which is also a possibility, in which case we try a different type). One of the turning points to make me realise I had to (aside from comments from my last post), was talking about going to Canada and being more excited about the idea of being eaten by a polar bear than by actually getting to see a polar bear for reals.
I've tried to focus on any small positive that has come my way, but it has still been a shit week.
I went to Wellington last weekend to have a girls night, and to play with the world's greatest dog, which was lovely. And five glasses of wine helped me sleep.
I went for a walk on Tuesday with friends, only to have my lower back so sore that I could only do about half of it before I had to give up. I almost didn't go at all because the thought of being surrounded by so many people (it's a fun-walk event that about 1500 people turn up to) made me start having a panic attack, so that probably didn't help.
Wednesday I went to my friend who does my nails - which was a good perk-me-up type of affair. And she is ending her relationship that she has been unhappy and settled in, so a win for her!
The guy that I liked, who told me that he had been doing some thinking and decided he was better on his own for now, keeps posting things about how he wishes he wasn't single. It makes me want to punch him in the face just a little bit.
Mostly I am still feeling very fat and unattractive, but still not at a point to do something about it. I hate myself, but I also don't care.
Baby steps forward.....
