There's nothing cold as ashes after the fire is gone

So I've had a couple of weeks of highs and lows.

I've lost approx 3kgs in 3 weeks - so that's a bonus. For 2 weeks I was going awesomely with eating healthy, not putting so much shit into my body, and feeling so much better.

The weekend before last, I went down to Wellington for a gig with friends, as well as my Dad and his partner. It was so much fun and I had a couple of drinks, and hung out with my friend and her hot single male friend, and got a bit of a flirt on. At the end of the night, we all hugged and then I drove home again. At this point, I crashed (emotionally, not literally). I just felt like shit. Admittedly I was very tired. But it carried on into the next day. Not feeling good enough or pretty enough or thin enough - hot guys that I lust after will never look at me in that way, etc etc.

By Monday I was marginally better, mostly due to sleep, but the healthy lifestyle definitely slipped.

I was getting my groove back towards the end of the week, and then on this most recent weekend, we went to New Plymouth for a Tattoo and Art festival. It was amazing, the weather was beautiful and it was such a great day. And then I crashed again. There were so many hot guys, but then so many hot girls also, and again I felt like I would never be good enough. There were amazing burlesque dancers, which were both a source of inspiration (imagine being able to do that and getting fit and hot etc) and a source of despair (I will never be like that so why bother even trying). Again I was shattered. And then we went to a friends house and I mildly flirted with a guy, who then wasn't interested, and while it was harmless fun at the time, it became depressing after the fact.

And now I'm back in this "why even bother" state. Its a pointless state to be in, and it's not healthy or helping, but its a hard funk to shake out of.

I have been part of a "Biggest Loser" type competition for 4 weeks now (the only time I've been weighing myself at all in the last couple of months) and it was going well, and now I even feel like I'm letting all of them down because I'm sure I've put on weight this week (PMS isn't helping...)

GAH!

End of sad rant. Will try to make my next post about something a bit more upbeat.

But hearts beat slower in the garden below

I am having a very low day, but I wanted to write. Not about my low day - maybe later. But a general rambling that has recently occurred to me.

Last month I went on a roadtrip where I got to see my bestest friend for the first time all year. I miss her like crazy. She knows me better than I know myself - which is both scary and comforting as all hell. Though I do miss her, one thing I love about our relationship is that whenever we do see each other, no matter if it's been a month or a year, it's as if we have never been apart. Our friendship is like that super soft snuggly favourite pair of slippers.

Anyway, we were having a conversation where she was telling me a story about when a male friend asked her who, if she could choose from anyone in the world, she would want to make fall in love with her. And her answer was me. I forget all the reasoning behind it because it had me in tears. I still am astounded by how much this person loves me, and how much she has my back. It is often more than I feel I deserve, mostly because I am a little crazy like that. Anyway, it was to do with how low I was at that point, and how much she wanted to support me and how I would then love someone who loved me and who wouldn't hurt me. Or similar. I'm sure if I am totally off she will correct me.

And it got me thinking back to my "crush" at the start of the year on a very dear friend of mine. There was a "kiss" that almost doesn't count. And I spent a while thinking I loved him in a different way, and that I wanted more. Yet in all this time, a sexual relationship did not actually enter my mind. My brain did not even go there. And not because I don't find him attractive, but I just do not think of him in that way at all. Kissing and affection sure, but not beyond that.

I think part of the whole crush/attraction thing, was similar to what my friend was talking about with me - in that I was wanting to be there for him. To make him realise that not all girls are cheating whores who care more about themselves than anyone else. To help him realise that he is amazing and that he is truly loved without any of that bullshit. And also because I need that in my life - I want someone to love and to care for, who also loves me back.

I had a friend comment that she thought I had always loved said guy. And it's true - I always have. But not really as anything more than friends or family. And now he has found someone who seems lovely, and for now at least, he has what he has always wanted in that he has a partner and a family and he appears happy, which is awesome and all I could ever want for him, and for all my friends.