I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

So I have 28 weeks (including this week) at my current job (also known as 6 months). It is just a fixed term position and then I have to make choices again. So in order to aid this choice making situation, during this time period I aim to:

- Pay off all outstanding bills (personal loan, credit card) and save my arse off. No matter what I decide to do (travel, have babies, etc), it requires money. The more the better. I have loads of stuff I don't need so will try to sell anything that is worth more than $10, and cut down on frivolous, unnecessary spending. I might even sell my Ed Sheeran tickets for December, seeing as I already saw him this year. And its in Auckland. Maybe.... Anyway, time to update the budget and tighten things up.

- And on that note, getting rid of clutter. It is actually ok to throw stuff away (my Dad would argue against it). Or donate it (clothing/shoe bins, etc). I do not need half the stuff I have. If I say I do, I'm probably lying.

- Eat healthier. I have fallen back into shoddy eating habits. The warmer months do make it easier to eat more salads (with tasty ingredients included so I don't feel like a rabbit), and things rather than stodgy, warming foods. Breakfast, healthy snacks, and cooking proper dinners. Even meal prepping and having food in the freezer!!

- Move more. I do belong to a gym. I do like classes. I also have a beach nearby to walk on (and even job once I get a bit more mobile and less painful), and to swim in once it's warmer. Trying to find more active things to do, eg when catching up with friends. I really want to learn to kayak. Also use weights at home (I do belong to a gym filled with them but it's a bit intimidating at the moment).

- Commit to learning the guitar - get actual lessons (this will eat into savings but I have been wanting to do it for ages, and I even own a guitar). Now that I am not working shift work and nights, I don't have that excuse. I need to find a teacher. And just do it. That way, I have an instrumental skill when I'm traveling (for in the Canadian wilderness around a campfire, obviously), or I can play the guitar to my baby....

That's it actually. Doesn't seem too bad.

An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity

So I've been looking back over photos from when I was overseas, and realising that it was 10 years ago is just mind boggling. I like travel. In fact, I would go so far as to say I love it. Discovering new places and things and cultures and people. When I went I thought it was partly to find myself, as naive 20-somethings do. But I think it was more to lose myself. It makes you appreciate home and the people in your life so much more. And it's amazing to be part of something so much bigger than yourself and your problems. It gives you a different perspective on life. Especially when you see how lucky we are in NZ, compared to the problems of other countries in the world and the scale of their issues.

And it makes me want to go overseas again. I miss it. I want to discover new things and places.

But then I have the issue of which I want more. Travel, or babies. Not that I can't have both. But both require money and so need prioritising.

And I think, travel and then babies, because then I can travel selfishly and it will be cheaper, etc. But then I go shopping for clothes for my friends' kids (just turned 1 and 2) and almost cry over the baby clothes, and end up leaving without buying anything. And I think, okay so babies first. But is it just hormones talking?

Either way, I need to save up, and lose weight/get healthy. The weight and health is obvious for babies, but I also want to be able to do amazing things if I go overseas - climb mountains and hike through wildernesses (especially in Canada). And then once I'm ready for either, then I can make the decision.

So then I need to make a vision board with both options I suppose....