I just read a story on FB by a young woman who was told by her crush, several years ago, that nothing could happen between them because she was too fat; the primary problem being "what would his friends think?". Now that she's lost a considerable amount of weight she sent him a pic of her in a bikini and pointed out that he was, is and forever will be a jerk.
And good on her.
It got my mind ticking over, and here comes the babbling...
Regular readers, and real life friends (I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this probably falls into both categories), will know that for the most of the beginning of this year I had a bit of a crush on a good friend of mine. When I daydreamed in my head that something might come of this, there were a few problems that arose as to why it wouldn't work out (a bit unfair considering that surely my imagination should be problem-free!). One was that I didn't want to ruin our friendship or cause any awkwardness. Two, is that I'm not hot enough to be his usual type (he usually goes out with girls with bangin' bodies, whereas I've been told numerous times that I have a pretty face, or would be gorgeous if I was skinnier). But the biggest obstacle I had would be what everyone else would think. While I may not be his type, I feel that could be overcome because I am awesome. However, I feel like everyone else (both his friends and just the general population) would think that I wasn't hot enough for him. Mostly because I'm pretty, but short and fat. Whereas he is tall and beautiful/handsome/all of the above.
This comes from a combination of things. One if just a hard dose of reality. People are judgemental as fuck. I know because I can be at times too, as well as learning this lesson in high school and from generally listening to people.
It also comes from an ex-boyfriend who tells you that it took him a while to introduce you to his friends because he knew they would judge me, and didn't want them to be disappointed when they met me, since I am a bigger girl. This is while we were still together, and about to spend an evening with said friends (when people wonder why I broke up with him (and make comments about how great he seemed), this is part of the reason).
I know I'm a bigger girl. I think I will always be to some degree (even if I managed to lose weight, I'm never going to be a stick thin girl, and I don't want to be). There are some guys out there who prefer bigger girls. The aforementioned ex was one of these, which seems like a good thing, except he did also once tell me that if I lost a decent amount of weight (to get into a healthier range - nothing too drastic) that he would find me considerably less attractive (what a champ...).
I read this article the other day (the writer also has an awesome blog that is definitely worth checking out). The first part of it really resonates with me. I've put up with that shit for most of my life (ever since my early teens). I admire this woman for the fact that she feels comfortable in her own skin. I like myself a lot more than I used to, but I still dislike my physical form. Not a deep hatred like I used to have, and I'm embracing it more, but even a 'like' is still a distance away.
Not sure if there is a point to this post, rather than just a general ramble...
Friday, June 21, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Could I be read if I was see through or would you just read my spine?
I talked to my "adopted" mum the day before my birthday, for a long overdue, but very quick, catch-up. She asked how I was doing and I said I was okay, which I was, and am. But it was a nice realisation to discover that I actually was ok. Sure I still have down days (as everyone does), and very down days, but it was a nice surprise to realise I haven't felt depressed in a wee while.
A few months back I did consider going back on anti-depressants because I felt like a failure at life (happens every so often), but I hate how they make me feel after a while. Band-aids can be helpful, but don't heal the wound underneath so efficiently.
At the moment, I do feel lost. I love the city I live in, but it is lonely and I don't really know anyone down here anymore outside of the work friends I have. My other friends that I had last time have either left the city, had a family (babies are cute but they tend to monopolise their parents' time somewhat), or it turns out they were all my exes friends who aren't so stoked that I broke up with him and whatnot. I am very comfortable with my own company, and often prefer it, but I end up just getting wrapped up inside my own head if I'm alone too long, which isn't generally a good thing for me.
I want to travel and see the world. But I also want to be around the people I love, and who love me, and to kind of settle myself down a bit.
I said in my last post that I wasn't stressing about it - and I'm still not. I'm going to apply for a job I used to have back in my "home" town. And while I'm aware that Palmy won't always be as fun as it was on my birthday, it still gives me more options of people to hang out with. And Wellington is still nice and close. If nothing else, this job will give me some more breathing room, and probably a chance to save a bit more money since it is generally cheaper to live there than Wellington. It does feel a little bit like going backwards, but it's not the worst job in the world. It's not even in the worst 3 jobs I've ever worked so that's something!
A few months back I did consider going back on anti-depressants because I felt like a failure at life (happens every so often), but I hate how they make me feel after a while. Band-aids can be helpful, but don't heal the wound underneath so efficiently.
At the moment, I do feel lost. I love the city I live in, but it is lonely and I don't really know anyone down here anymore outside of the work friends I have. My other friends that I had last time have either left the city, had a family (babies are cute but they tend to monopolise their parents' time somewhat), or it turns out they were all my exes friends who aren't so stoked that I broke up with him and whatnot. I am very comfortable with my own company, and often prefer it, but I end up just getting wrapped up inside my own head if I'm alone too long, which isn't generally a good thing for me.
I want to travel and see the world. But I also want to be around the people I love, and who love me, and to kind of settle myself down a bit.
I said in my last post that I wasn't stressing about it - and I'm still not. I'm going to apply for a job I used to have back in my "home" town. And while I'm aware that Palmy won't always be as fun as it was on my birthday, it still gives me more options of people to hang out with. And Wellington is still nice and close. If nothing else, this job will give me some more breathing room, and probably a chance to save a bit more money since it is generally cheaper to live there than Wellington. It does feel a little bit like going backwards, but it's not the worst job in the world. It's not even in the worst 3 jobs I've ever worked so that's something!
Friday, June 14, 2013
I'm falling for your eyes but they don't know me yet
So this time last week, I turned 30. It happened, I survived, I'm moving on.
I didn't freak out as much as I thought I would. The day before, I filled in a form at the tattooist and I had to write my age - I had a minor freak out that that was the last time I would write an age that started with a 2, but considering both guys that work there are in their 30s, it wasn't so painful.
30 does sound older. It sounds like I should have my shit sorted, be, at least, on the path to marriage and children and being sure of what I want career wise.
I have none of that.
Admittedly, I have my shit more sorted than I did 10 years ago. But that might not be saying a whole lot.
I think my biggest problem at the moment is too many options - which is kind of a nice thing to have as a problem. Canada? Japan? Aussie? Palmy? Wellington? Who knows where I will go next? And for once, I'm not really stressing about it (I mean, it's me so I am stressing a little, but much less than I would've been even just a year ago). The last few years have had a few changes - changing jobs/cities/study paths. And before each decision occurring, I have had mini panics. And it has all worked out (just like Jo always tells me it will - I do hate when she's always right!). So this time, I'm going to try to just go with the flow and see what happens and where life will take me. Amor Fati after all.
And one of the biggest things stressing me out for the last 6 months - the kiss with a very good friend of mine - I discovered the weekend that he does not even remember the majority of that night at all. All of the weirdness that I had been noticing, was actually just in my head and all of my own creation. Ridiculous how we can create something so real out of nothing. And now things are back to normal with someone who is among the handful of super important people in my life, which is awesome.
I have my current job for the next 6 weeks until my contract is up. A previous job I held in Palmy is being advertised, so deciding whether or not to apply, based on if I think I could actually handle the job again. It would be nice to be 'home' again with my friends and family though. As much as I do love Wellington - there does not appear to be a whole lot holding me here at the moment, but I may still apply for jobs here as well. If I do go overseas, it won't be until next year so in the meantime I will focus on getting healthy and trying to save up some money and just staying positive. I'm going to rock the thirties.
I didn't freak out as much as I thought I would. The day before, I filled in a form at the tattooist and I had to write my age - I had a minor freak out that that was the last time I would write an age that started with a 2, but considering both guys that work there are in their 30s, it wasn't so painful.
30 does sound older. It sounds like I should have my shit sorted, be, at least, on the path to marriage and children and being sure of what I want career wise.
I have none of that.
Admittedly, I have my shit more sorted than I did 10 years ago. But that might not be saying a whole lot.
I think my biggest problem at the moment is too many options - which is kind of a nice thing to have as a problem. Canada? Japan? Aussie? Palmy? Wellington? Who knows where I will go next? And for once, I'm not really stressing about it (I mean, it's me so I am stressing a little, but much less than I would've been even just a year ago). The last few years have had a few changes - changing jobs/cities/study paths. And before each decision occurring, I have had mini panics. And it has all worked out (just like Jo always tells me it will - I do hate when she's always right!). So this time, I'm going to try to just go with the flow and see what happens and where life will take me. Amor Fati after all.
And one of the biggest things stressing me out for the last 6 months - the kiss with a very good friend of mine - I discovered the weekend that he does not even remember the majority of that night at all. All of the weirdness that I had been noticing, was actually just in my head and all of my own creation. Ridiculous how we can create something so real out of nothing. And now things are back to normal with someone who is among the handful of super important people in my life, which is awesome.
I have my current job for the next 6 weeks until my contract is up. A previous job I held in Palmy is being advertised, so deciding whether or not to apply, based on if I think I could actually handle the job again. It would be nice to be 'home' again with my friends and family though. As much as I do love Wellington - there does not appear to be a whole lot holding me here at the moment, but I may still apply for jobs here as well. If I do go overseas, it won't be until next year so in the meantime I will focus on getting healthy and trying to save up some money and just staying positive. I'm going to rock the thirties.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Come and lay your bones down with me
Using my blog, to link to a blog, that I was led to by a different blog. It's Blog-ception....
It's an awesome article/blog/thing. And sums things up nicely. If you've ever felt suicidal or wondered what the freaking point is, and thought it would be easier than to burn out rather than fade away, this might resonate with you.
For now, I stay behind the yellow line at all times*
* metaphorically speaking, seeing as I almost never catch the train....
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