Warning - depression ahead. Do not journey onward if you do not want to go for a drive to negativity-town or a plunge into low-self-esteem-ville. This is not a fishing expedition where I search for compliments and platitudes. It just is what it is.
I've just hit a bit of a downward spiral. It happens every so often, sometimes worse than others. Sometimes it's easy enough to pick myself up and dust myself off, while other times it keeps going down until rock bottom becomes scarily close.
At the moment I am somewhere in the middle, but on a definite decline. I'm hoping a rant, and getting things out, will help halt the steep slope.
After losing a fair chunk of weight in 2012, I have now put that back on plus just a little extra, to now weigh the most I ever have in my life. It makes me cry quite regularly. And so very angry at myself. Disappointed. And yet, last time I was around this weight, I had a long-term boyfriend so go figure.... But it might be a good sign of why that didn't work out in the end, given how amazingly shit I feel about myself. It's that thing where I know what I need to do, and yet I don't do it, and then get angry when that ends up with me moving further back in the wrong direction *facepalm*
I feel like possibly one of the least attractive people on the planet. Every so often I can feel pretty, and take a picture (with Instagram filters) for a quick mood-boost, but that only then highlights how much I hate the rest of myself and I end up feeling just as shite all over again. I don't hold out much hope for any guy ever finding me attractive in the near future. What's worse, is that I don't blame that at all, which somehow actually makes me feel worse.
I also feel like no one ever wants to spend time with me. That's not completely true since there are some people that do, and I thank them muchly for that. But there are those with whom I feel like I have to do the chasing. It's a fun part of the start of a relationship, but not so much in a supposedly well-established friendship. Some friends I feel like if I never contacted them, I would actually never see them. (Some I contact and still never get to see them anyway unless I go the extra mile, such as supporting them at gigs or events). And then I feel as though when I do see them, they only hang out with me because I badger them and they feel obliged. And I feel taken for granted and unappreciated by them overall. This shouldn't really surprise me given the way I feel about myself, but maybe I made the mistake of thinking I had unconditional relationships with these people, and yet I am the only one putting in any work. Meh.
Part of me wants to just disappear. A side of me that wonders who would even care. (Turns out depressed me is a bit of poet....). And perhaps that is the reason I don't take care of myself after all. It's all a bit of a catch 22 situation. The improvement in mindset I guess needs to come first, but it all feels kind of hopeless at times.
End of depression rant. And in case anyone reads this and worries, I am actually 'OK'.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
It's so hard to win when there's so much to lose
The more I think about it, I realise I really am quite OK being single.
I think about my previous relationship. If I had really wanted to get married and have kids, I could be there already. If I had stuck with it, I would have got the ring, and a wedding, and be on my way to the children zone as well. You'd think achieving a dream would bring happiness too, but that's not always the case. There comes a time when you have to realise exactly what it is that you are after, and refine your dream that little bit further, to make sure you get an outcome that you can live with long term.
Rather than just 'I want to get married and have a family', that has been refined to include the caveat "with the right person". What is the point of getting what you want, if it's not actually all that you could dream of? If it only makes you happy for a minute, or not at all, and is something you then have to live with forever? Sure you can get divorced, but if me and J had had kids, he would have been a part of my life for the rest of my foreseeable life. I, for one, am quite glad that didn't happen. We would both be miserable, and resent the hell out of each other. And who wants to live in that environment?
Deciding to end our relationship was by far the toughest decision I have ever made. Choosing to put your own happiness ahead of someone else's is not easy at all. It feels selfish, and for someone like me who doesn't like people not liking me, having someone hate you is really difficult. Especially since we lived together for another few weeks after me calling it off.
He is happy with someone else now. Part of me is jealous of this, and more than just a little bit envious, but I wouldn't go back there even if you paid me.
When I was younger (about 17?), a friend of mine (who is my "mum" in the absence of a real mum), was engaged and planning a wedding. I asked if she was happy and she said she was 'OK'. To which I went into a rant about how OK is not OK, and sure there are times when OK is OK, but in the end, OK is not good, and do you just want your life to be 'ok'? Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an 'ok' relationship? (I was a pretty smart kid...)
I get it. There are people who are genuinely scared of being alone. I have one friend who is in a relationship with someone who loved someone else, but she can't be on her own, so at least that was better than being without. And other friends that seem to be staying put where they are because they are not sure if there is actually anything better out there, or because starting over is too much hard work.
Being alone can suck. At times it is awful and lonely and it makes you depressed as a mother fucker. But being with someone who doesn't make you happy, and who you don't make that happy in return, is way more depressing. The idea of that genuinely makes me want to jump off a cliff.
DO NOT SETTLE!! Maybe I am idealistic. Maybe too many books and movies make my expectations way too high and ridiculous. But there has got to be some wiggle room between 'OK' and 'amazing', and I am not settling for less than at least 'good'.
I think about my previous relationship. If I had really wanted to get married and have kids, I could be there already. If I had stuck with it, I would have got the ring, and a wedding, and be on my way to the children zone as well. You'd think achieving a dream would bring happiness too, but that's not always the case. There comes a time when you have to realise exactly what it is that you are after, and refine your dream that little bit further, to make sure you get an outcome that you can live with long term.
Rather than just 'I want to get married and have a family', that has been refined to include the caveat "with the right person". What is the point of getting what you want, if it's not actually all that you could dream of? If it only makes you happy for a minute, or not at all, and is something you then have to live with forever? Sure you can get divorced, but if me and J had had kids, he would have been a part of my life for the rest of my foreseeable life. I, for one, am quite glad that didn't happen. We would both be miserable, and resent the hell out of each other. And who wants to live in that environment?
Deciding to end our relationship was by far the toughest decision I have ever made. Choosing to put your own happiness ahead of someone else's is not easy at all. It feels selfish, and for someone like me who doesn't like people not liking me, having someone hate you is really difficult. Especially since we lived together for another few weeks after me calling it off.
He is happy with someone else now. Part of me is jealous of this, and more than just a little bit envious, but I wouldn't go back there even if you paid me.
When I was younger (about 17?), a friend of mine (who is my "mum" in the absence of a real mum), was engaged and planning a wedding. I asked if she was happy and she said she was 'OK'. To which I went into a rant about how OK is not OK, and sure there are times when OK is OK, but in the end, OK is not good, and do you just want your life to be 'ok'? Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an 'ok' relationship? (I was a pretty smart kid...)
I get it. There are people who are genuinely scared of being alone. I have one friend who is in a relationship with someone who loved someone else, but she can't be on her own, so at least that was better than being without. And other friends that seem to be staying put where they are because they are not sure if there is actually anything better out there, or because starting over is too much hard work.
Being alone can suck. At times it is awful and lonely and it makes you depressed as a mother fucker. But being with someone who doesn't make you happy, and who you don't make that happy in return, is way more depressing. The idea of that genuinely makes me want to jump off a cliff.
DO NOT SETTLE!! Maybe I am idealistic. Maybe too many books and movies make my expectations way too high and ridiculous. But there has got to be some wiggle room between 'OK' and 'amazing', and I am not settling for less than at least 'good'.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Boy don't you turn into a sad ol' kid like me
I opened this up, and spent so long finding a lyric for the title, that now I might have forgotten what I was going to write in the first place.....
In the early hours of Saturday morning I met my dream man (pun intended). I remember he was tall, and possibly blond, but the main thing that stood out was a beautiful 2 door Impala wagon. Makes me wonder about my priorities. Or is it because good cars are easier to find than good men? I do also remember telling him that his car was pretty, and quickly replacing it with handsome to ease the disgruntled look on his face.
Dad and I are going to a hot rod thing in a couple of weeks. I've warned him to be on the look out for gorgeous Impala wagons that may be driven by tall good looking men. He may have just rolled his eyes at me.....
On Friday night we went to a Tami Neilson gig in Paekak (small town, concert held in a town church hall, BYO food and drink). It was amazing. She has the most clear voice, is pitch perfect, and gives me goosebumps every time I see/listen to her (about half a dozen gigs now). The show was with her parents who are over from Canada and they are just such an incredible family. I was in a bit of a grump pre-show due to being post-PMS-ing, and still angry at men, and feeling a bit left out in life in general. But music has such a wonderful impact and left me feeling much happier and positive over all for the rest of the weekend.
The rest of said weekend was dreaming about men in beautiful cars, cuddling Diesel, and catching up on watching online TV shows and movies. Nice and chilled and relaxed and nothing too strenuous.
My plan for this week - another 3km walk (then the following week will attempt the 7km), hit the gym at least once, get a few walks in out at the beach, and clean up my eating. My food habits have been shit so far this year, with a bit of a lack of vegetables. I like eating paleo but miss dairy products, so will aim for a more primal slant to things to allow for cheese and a bit of raw milk. I know that the first week will be hell - coming down off of sugar and carbs is not the most fun thing to do - but necessary.
After all that, I still don't remember the primary point for writing, but if it's important it's bound to come back to me at some point.....
In the early hours of Saturday morning I met my dream man (pun intended). I remember he was tall, and possibly blond, but the main thing that stood out was a beautiful 2 door Impala wagon. Makes me wonder about my priorities. Or is it because good cars are easier to find than good men? I do also remember telling him that his car was pretty, and quickly replacing it with handsome to ease the disgruntled look on his face.
Dad and I are going to a hot rod thing in a couple of weeks. I've warned him to be on the look out for gorgeous Impala wagons that may be driven by tall good looking men. He may have just rolled his eyes at me.....
On Friday night we went to a Tami Neilson gig in Paekak (small town, concert held in a town church hall, BYO food and drink). It was amazing. She has the most clear voice, is pitch perfect, and gives me goosebumps every time I see/listen to her (about half a dozen gigs now). The show was with her parents who are over from Canada and they are just such an incredible family. I was in a bit of a grump pre-show due to being post-PMS-ing, and still angry at men, and feeling a bit left out in life in general. But music has such a wonderful impact and left me feeling much happier and positive over all for the rest of the weekend.
The rest of said weekend was dreaming about men in beautiful cars, cuddling Diesel, and catching up on watching online TV shows and movies. Nice and chilled and relaxed and nothing too strenuous.
My plan for this week - another 3km walk (then the following week will attempt the 7km), hit the gym at least once, get a few walks in out at the beach, and clean up my eating. My food habits have been shit so far this year, with a bit of a lack of vegetables. I like eating paleo but miss dairy products, so will aim for a more primal slant to things to allow for cheese and a bit of raw milk. I know that the first week will be hell - coming down off of sugar and carbs is not the most fun thing to do - but necessary.
After all that, I still don't remember the primary point for writing, but if it's important it's bound to come back to me at some point.....
Thursday, January 16, 2014
I'm a little bit rusty and I think my head is caving in
I have been convinced that in May I am going to walk a half marathon in Rotorua. This week I did my first 3km training walk. I've got 4 months to get up to walking 21km, and I am pretty optimistic I must say....
I also want to do an obstacle run. There is the Tough Guy/Gal challenge on in Palmerston North this year. It just happens to be on my birthday. Rather than seeing that as an excuse not to do it, I have decided it is the perfect reason to do it. I mean, who doesn't want to run through mud and swamps on their birthday right? That is a 6km run also, so currently I am slowly training up for that. Just general fitness and walks to begin with. I'm not a runner and may never be.
Aside from that, it's a bit of a poopy week. The dreaded time of the month has arrived, bringing with it some of the worst cramps I've had in ages, and just a touch of vomiting. Good times. I am definitely coming back as a male in my next life. Or at least as someone with a kinder uterus.
I also just emotionally feel like shite. Sadly, the cause is those freaking males again. Well, partly that and partly my own fucked-up-ness. I have been flirty bantering back and forth with a guy for over a month, and it is never going to come to anything, which makes me both sad and angry. I have been single for over 2 years now, and it has been just under that since I have had any physical affection (some would just call this sex - I don't really have the capacity for clever synonyms today). And along comes a guy I met out one night, who then started messaging me and it got rather hot a few times, and we talked about it needing to become a reality instead of just words. But this week I am house sitting and, when he was offered the opportunity and declined, I realised perhaps he was just a gobshite after all. Men. So it made me sad because I was starting to quite like him, despite not spending much actual time with him. And sad and mad because I wanted affection as well as needing to get laid. And then sadder because I have decided it is not anything to do with his own state (which due to the loss of a family member is in a bit of disarray) but is of course because I am not actually sexually attractive. Not to myself, so why would I be to anyone else.
It comes and goes in waves. I think the times I feel ok about is more just to do with being the same times that I don't really think about it. And any little setback is enough to throw me off the edge. Even more reason to be single for a while since it can be stressful to battle with that at the start of a new relationship - both to me and the other party. But then being single just adds to it too. Silly little mind games that we play with ourselves.
I also want to do an obstacle run. There is the Tough Guy/Gal challenge on in Palmerston North this year. It just happens to be on my birthday. Rather than seeing that as an excuse not to do it, I have decided it is the perfect reason to do it. I mean, who doesn't want to run through mud and swamps on their birthday right? That is a 6km run also, so currently I am slowly training up for that. Just general fitness and walks to begin with. I'm not a runner and may never be.
Aside from that, it's a bit of a poopy week. The dreaded time of the month has arrived, bringing with it some of the worst cramps I've had in ages, and just a touch of vomiting. Good times. I am definitely coming back as a male in my next life. Or at least as someone with a kinder uterus.
I also just emotionally feel like shite. Sadly, the cause is those freaking males again. Well, partly that and partly my own fucked-up-ness. I have been flirty bantering back and forth with a guy for over a month, and it is never going to come to anything, which makes me both sad and angry. I have been single for over 2 years now, and it has been just under that since I have had any physical affection (some would just call this sex - I don't really have the capacity for clever synonyms today). And along comes a guy I met out one night, who then started messaging me and it got rather hot a few times, and we talked about it needing to become a reality instead of just words. But this week I am house sitting and, when he was offered the opportunity and declined, I realised perhaps he was just a gobshite after all. Men. So it made me sad because I was starting to quite like him, despite not spending much actual time with him. And sad and mad because I wanted affection as well as needing to get laid. And then sadder because I have decided it is not anything to do with his own state (which due to the loss of a family member is in a bit of disarray) but is of course because I am not actually sexually attractive. Not to myself, so why would I be to anyone else.
It comes and goes in waves. I think the times I feel ok about is more just to do with being the same times that I don't really think about it. And any little setback is enough to throw me off the edge. Even more reason to be single for a while since it can be stressful to battle with that at the start of a new relationship - both to me and the other party. But then being single just adds to it too. Silly little mind games that we play with ourselves.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
That's not as big as what's flown around here
So I've made it through the first week back at work for 2014. Phew. 1 down, about 51 more to go.....
Have had a pretty good week. Made it to the gym one day, and made it through the following couple of days of DOMS. Have been waking up at 6am each day and staying awake, resisting the snooze button. I've even gotten to work early each day!! Been for a few walks out at the beach too - the combination of fresh air, open space and the ocean is pretty amazing - good for my soul. Want to make that more regular if only for the feel-goods, even aside from the exercise factor.
Next week's goal is to get back on track with breakfasts and taking lunches to work, as I only managed both once this week. Routines can be hard to re-develop. And to get to bed earlier.
Trying to make the most of work and not hate it so much. It's not my dream job, it's not ideal, but it is a means to an end - polar bears and aurora borealis await me at the end of the year. I have enrolled in a couple of papers this year since staff members get free study. A creative writing paper, and two japanese language ones, since it has been some time and I have forgotten most of it and would like to pick it back up.
Embracing my single-dom and even enjoying it. It can be lonely, but I'm not currently prepared to put up with anyone else's shit - got enough of my own to deal with first, and I do not plan on being derailed on my way to the top....
Have had a pretty good week. Made it to the gym one day, and made it through the following couple of days of DOMS. Have been waking up at 6am each day and staying awake, resisting the snooze button. I've even gotten to work early each day!! Been for a few walks out at the beach too - the combination of fresh air, open space and the ocean is pretty amazing - good for my soul. Want to make that more regular if only for the feel-goods, even aside from the exercise factor.
Next week's goal is to get back on track with breakfasts and taking lunches to work, as I only managed both once this week. Routines can be hard to re-develop. And to get to bed earlier.
Trying to make the most of work and not hate it so much. It's not my dream job, it's not ideal, but it is a means to an end - polar bears and aurora borealis await me at the end of the year. I have enrolled in a couple of papers this year since staff members get free study. A creative writing paper, and two japanese language ones, since it has been some time and I have forgotten most of it and would like to pick it back up.
Embracing my single-dom and even enjoying it. It can be lonely, but I'm not currently prepared to put up with anyone else's shit - got enough of my own to deal with first, and I do not plan on being derailed on my way to the top....
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Come close, lay next to me
A friend shared with me this blog the other day, that I really related to. I have got to a point where I enjoy being single - I don't have to answer to anyone or worry about what anyone else does or doesn't want to do, or how to best fit in with their plans. But it can also be cripplingly lonely. I have been single for about 2 years now. In that time there has been one person that I slept with, and it was fairly awful....
I miss having someone to spoon and snuggle with in bed while listening to the rain outside. I miss having someone to share small details with, or to do things with. I am at that point where pretty much (almost) everyone else in my life has someone. And while sometimes it is almost a blessing because I hear their tales of drama and woe and count myself lucky that I don't have to put up with anyone else's baggage but my own, it does have it's sucky moments.
So the blog post struck a chord with me, especially at this time of year. And you DO feel like a bit of a loser for even caring that you're single. But I can stay in bed all day if I want. I don't have to share Christmas between two families, or any of that nonsense.
I went for a walk on the beach today, and while it was the moment of clarity or insight that the writer experienced, it does make me feel a bit more grounded. It clears the cobwebs away from my tiny little mind. I love the ocean. For me it has always been that calming influence, or that thing that speaks to me and makes me feel like I have a place in the world where I belong. And there was that moment where I felt like it would be nice to be taking that walk with someone special, but it was nice to have a moment all to myself and my thoughts, no matter how crazy they might be.
In other news - boys ARE the devil. And I need to stop letting them have so much power over my thoughts and feelings, and letting them determine how I feel about myself. It was a 'he's just not that into you' moment last night which made me teary, and then gave me just a little bit more resolve in this journey to learning how freaking awesome I am.
I miss having someone to spoon and snuggle with in bed while listening to the rain outside. I miss having someone to share small details with, or to do things with. I am at that point where pretty much (almost) everyone else in my life has someone. And while sometimes it is almost a blessing because I hear their tales of drama and woe and count myself lucky that I don't have to put up with anyone else's baggage but my own, it does have it's sucky moments.
So the blog post struck a chord with me, especially at this time of year. And you DO feel like a bit of a loser for even caring that you're single. But I can stay in bed all day if I want. I don't have to share Christmas between two families, or any of that nonsense.
I went for a walk on the beach today, and while it was the moment of clarity or insight that the writer experienced, it does make me feel a bit more grounded. It clears the cobwebs away from my tiny little mind. I love the ocean. For me it has always been that calming influence, or that thing that speaks to me and makes me feel like I have a place in the world where I belong. And there was that moment where I felt like it would be nice to be taking that walk with someone special, but it was nice to have a moment all to myself and my thoughts, no matter how crazy they might be.
In other news - boys ARE the devil. And I need to stop letting them have so much power over my thoughts and feelings, and letting them determine how I feel about myself. It was a 'he's just not that into you' moment last night which made me teary, and then gave me just a little bit more resolve in this journey to learning how freaking awesome I am.
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