I'm starting to enjoy exercise. I've been doing a few different classes at the gym, and even though they kill me, I'm loving it. Sweaty, puffed, sore, exhausted. It's great.
I have been doing Pump, and then I did Combat and Attack the last few days. With a day off in between for recovery. I will start doing cardio or something lighter on the in between days when I'm a bit more adjusted.
Combat is so fun. I love punching and kicking. It's non-contact, which is a good starting point. But when I'm fitter and leaner I think I would love to take it further. Maybe I have anger/violence issues, but I do love it, and at least it's a constructive outlet.
Attack is just what it says. Jeebus. Running, jumping, squats, lunges, push ups, planks, some more running and jumping. I've done it before, years ago when a friend used to instruct the class in Palmy. But I had forgotten just how hard it is. Will definitely do it again though - although at a less busy time of day. There wasn't a lot of room to move yesterday. I almost didn't go at all because I was still sore from Sunday's class, but my cousin posted on FB that he had gone despite being sick and sunburned and I realised I should toughen up and stop making excuses. Now, if I can just do that with food as well...
I have also been watching and reading things with better female role models. The 'In Death' series by JD Robb - the main character is a cop and she is strong and tough and takes no shit. And then I have started re-watching the whole series of Buffy (thanks to a friend lending me the discs). It's funny how bad the early seasons are, but she does certainly kick arse. Any other recommendations of things to watch/read with similar characters would be very much appreciated :)
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Thrust the candle to the dark of your disease
I remember, when I broke up with my ex, that part of me was really pissed off that he didn't fight for me.
I mean, it's probably a very good indicator that breaking up was the best decision for both of us, but at the time it bugged me.
Makes perfect sense though considering that I don't seem to care enough to fight for me either.
I need to put myself first. I need to fight for myself because no one else will do it for me. For Happy to win more often than Misery. It makes me think of this:
I mean, it's probably a very good indicator that breaking up was the best decision for both of us, but at the time it bugged me.
Makes perfect sense though considering that I don't seem to care enough to fight for me either.
I need to put myself first. I need to fight for myself because no one else will do it for me. For Happy to win more often than Misery. It makes me think of this:
An old Cherokee
Is teaching his grandson about life.
“A fight is going on inside me, ” he said to the boy,
“It is a terrible fight between two wolves,
One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret,
Greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
Integrant, lies false pride, superiority, and ego, ”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace,
Love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
Empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith,
The same fight is going on inside you –
And inside every other person, too, ”
The grandson then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win? ”
The old Cherokee simply replied,
“The one you feed”
Sean Hurrell
Monday, March 25, 2013
I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
There's obviously a part of my brain that wants to stay as I am - fat, unhealthy and unhappy. That part that sabotages all my efforts. That convinces myself that I must have a burger, or coke, or chips.
Overcoming my internal bitch is hard. I'm getting better at going to the gym despite all her excuses, but it's the food side that I really struggle with. Which, unfortunately, is 80% of the battle.
Logically, it doesn't make sense. I have even made a couple of pro/con lists for losing weight, so that I have evidence of it being the best thing to do. And yet that side of me wants to hold on to it. Maybe there's a safety in being overweight. I know it puts guys off, and despite wanting a relationship, at least this way I don't get hurt because no one gets close enough in the first place. Same with attempting new things - I can blame being shit at an activity on my size, and as a good reason not to try it in the first place.
But in every other way, it hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally. So I have to work on proving to myself that life will be so much better, and knocking my internal demon off her high horse...
Overcoming my internal bitch is hard. I'm getting better at going to the gym despite all her excuses, but it's the food side that I really struggle with. Which, unfortunately, is 80% of the battle.
Logically, it doesn't make sense. I have even made a couple of pro/con lists for losing weight, so that I have evidence of it being the best thing to do. And yet that side of me wants to hold on to it. Maybe there's a safety in being overweight. I know it puts guys off, and despite wanting a relationship, at least this way I don't get hurt because no one gets close enough in the first place. Same with attempting new things - I can blame being shit at an activity on my size, and as a good reason not to try it in the first place.
But in every other way, it hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally. So I have to work on proving to myself that life will be so much better, and knocking my internal demon off her high horse...
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My heart is under arrest again but I'll break loose
Last night, I went and saw the latest Die Hard movie with my Dad. It wasn't great. Some might even call it awful. But I loved it. I loved the ridiculousness and the unrealistic action sequences, and the aging Bruce Willis. I just love that franchise and though this is by far the worst of the series, I still enjoyed it.
And there was a stand out character, played by Jai Courtenay. Mostly because, well, he's hot. And built, and buff and just drool-worthy.
There is a point to this, I swear.
It got me thinking. I have gone out with (and lusted after, drooled over, whatever you want to class it as) a few different types of guys. In fact, the guys Ive been with have been quite different from those I have dreamed of.
But the kind of guys I'm really attracted to are the built and buff guys, the Rocks of this world. That takes a high level of dedication, discipline and commitment to health and fitness. In order to be with, or even attract, that kind of guy, it would help to be at their level, or at least up near there somewhere. At the moment, I'm on the bottom rung, slowly trying to clamber my way up.
While I know I shouldn't have to lose weight to attract a guy or whatever, that I should just do it for myself, it's more about the mindset and actions than it is about weight. I am not attracted to guys with a similar physical appearance to me, who are lazy or unmotivated. And yet I want that hot guy to be attracted to me when I myself am that way? Not going to happen (I'm aware that my chances of Momoa ever knowing I'm alive, let alone being attracted, are very slim, but a girl can dream)
And there was a stand out character, played by Jai Courtenay. Mostly because, well, he's hot. And built, and buff and just drool-worthy.
There is a point to this, I swear.
It got me thinking. I have gone out with (and lusted after, drooled over, whatever you want to class it as) a few different types of guys. In fact, the guys Ive been with have been quite different from those I have dreamed of.
But the kind of guys I'm really attracted to are the built and buff guys, the Rocks of this world. That takes a high level of dedication, discipline and commitment to health and fitness. In order to be with, or even attract, that kind of guy, it would help to be at their level, or at least up near there somewhere. At the moment, I'm on the bottom rung, slowly trying to clamber my way up.
While I know I shouldn't have to lose weight to attract a guy or whatever, that I should just do it for myself, it's more about the mindset and actions than it is about weight. I am not attracted to guys with a similar physical appearance to me, who are lazy or unmotivated. And yet I want that hot guy to be attracted to me when I myself am that way? Not going to happen (I'm aware that my chances of Momoa ever knowing I'm alive, let alone being attracted, are very slim, but a girl can dream)
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Everytime I hate you I think of you first
We are a nation of short poppies.
Between the blogs I read yesterday, and an email from a good friend this morning, it's got me thinking about this.
I am awful to myself. I would never dream of saying the things that I say to myself to anyone else. It would be horrible. Even when I thoroughly dislike (I rarely hate) people, I could not bring myself to say things that mean. And I have to actively try to be kinder to myself. It's a freaking struggle. And at the moment, I might say I'm at a 90:10 ratio or cruel:kind. The sad thing is, that seriously skewed ratio is a bit optimistic and is still quite a significant improvement. It's part of why I find it so hard to accept compliments; I don't believe that nice things could possibly be true because I sure as hell do not see myself that way.
As my friend pointed out, "we're trained not to puff ourselves up, to put ourselves down and not get a big head". And NZ as a country is particularly guilty of this. It's the phenomenon of Tall Poppy Syndrome. As a nation, we are quick to knock people down, and reluctant to bolster them up. And if you are actually good at something? Forget about it. You only have to look at the way we treat our national sports teams to see evidence of this.
I remember if I got good marks in an exam or assignment at school, feeling the need to downplay it because it wasn't cool to be smart or to do well. No one wanted to be that "arrogant" or "cocky" confident person who is proud of themselves.
And yet, other countries, such as the USA and Australia, are full of those kind of people. Which is possibly why we have such a rivalry with the Aussies, and such a general dislike for a lot of Americans. Maybe we find their self-confidence threatening? A bit of research (okay, I just used Wikipedia) shows that it is primarily the UK, Canada and NZ that identify with tall poppy syndrome. In fact I remember talking to an American girl and mentioning it to her and she had no idea what it was, and thought it was a craziest concept, but one she had noticed happening while she was here.
I don't see it stopping anytime soon. But it's important to be kinder to ourselves and replace negative thoughts with positive ones, or at least to prepare a kind thought after each mean one, to balance it out and even out that ratio a little more. Speak to yourself like you would to a friend, bolster yourself up, take some pride. We are actually all awesome, even me.
Between the blogs I read yesterday, and an email from a good friend this morning, it's got me thinking about this.
I am awful to myself. I would never dream of saying the things that I say to myself to anyone else. It would be horrible. Even when I thoroughly dislike (I rarely hate) people, I could not bring myself to say things that mean. And I have to actively try to be kinder to myself. It's a freaking struggle. And at the moment, I might say I'm at a 90:10 ratio or cruel:kind. The sad thing is, that seriously skewed ratio is a bit optimistic and is still quite a significant improvement. It's part of why I find it so hard to accept compliments; I don't believe that nice things could possibly be true because I sure as hell do not see myself that way.
As my friend pointed out, "we're trained not to puff ourselves up, to put ourselves down and not get a big head". And NZ as a country is particularly guilty of this. It's the phenomenon of Tall Poppy Syndrome. As a nation, we are quick to knock people down, and reluctant to bolster them up. And if you are actually good at something? Forget about it. You only have to look at the way we treat our national sports teams to see evidence of this.
I remember if I got good marks in an exam or assignment at school, feeling the need to downplay it because it wasn't cool to be smart or to do well. No one wanted to be that "arrogant" or "cocky" confident person who is proud of themselves.
And yet, other countries, such as the USA and Australia, are full of those kind of people. Which is possibly why we have such a rivalry with the Aussies, and such a general dislike for a lot of Americans. Maybe we find their self-confidence threatening? A bit of research (okay, I just used Wikipedia) shows that it is primarily the UK, Canada and NZ that identify with tall poppy syndrome. In fact I remember talking to an American girl and mentioning it to her and she had no idea what it was, and thought it was a craziest concept, but one she had noticed happening while she was here.
I don't see it stopping anytime soon. But it's important to be kinder to ourselves and replace negative thoughts with positive ones, or at least to prepare a kind thought after each mean one, to balance it out and even out that ratio a little more. Speak to yourself like you would to a friend, bolster yourself up, take some pride. We are actually all awesome, even me.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Why should I wait for love if it comes as fast as he did?
Thought I would share another very interesting blog/article from James Clear. Here it is
(and actually, spend some time to read through more of his articles because they are brilliant)
It's a further reminder that the battle with the mind is the biggest battle of all. And even just a simple change from "I can't" to "I don't" can make all the difference. It makes perfect sense. 'Can't' gives that feeling of being able to, and feeling deprived because it has been taken away from you. Whereas using 'don't' instead gives the implication of choice, and it further confirms the identity you have for yourself.
I could read his articles all day long, except I'm sure my tiny little mind can only absorb so much. And it's a bit like collecting underpants
(and actually, spend some time to read through more of his articles because they are brilliant)
It's a further reminder that the battle with the mind is the biggest battle of all. And even just a simple change from "I can't" to "I don't" can make all the difference. It makes perfect sense. 'Can't' gives that feeling of being able to, and feeling deprived because it has been taken away from you. Whereas using 'don't' instead gives the implication of choice, and it further confirms the identity you have for yourself.
I could read his articles all day long, except I'm sure my tiny little mind can only absorb so much. And it's a bit like collecting underpants
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die
I went to Pump again last night. And though my muscles were burning during the class, I'm moving a lot easier today than I was last Tuesday. I'm sure some soreness will kick in tomorrow (the joy of DOMS), but it's good to know that I've improved even just that much in such a short time. FTW.
I must say, its a bit intimidating being in there with my 1kg weights, while everyone around me is using 5kgs. But then I have to remind myself that they've been doing it longer than I have. And completing it is more important at this point. I have a great habit of talking smack about myself, and I have to remember that the only person calling me 'weak' is myself, and no one else in that room (and if they are, fuck them!).
It also occurred to me, after last week's class, that I didn't eat much really good quality protein, so I must make more of an effort to do that to help my muscles recover.
I must say, its a bit intimidating being in there with my 1kg weights, while everyone around me is using 5kgs. But then I have to remind myself that they've been doing it longer than I have. And completing it is more important at this point. I have a great habit of talking smack about myself, and I have to remember that the only person calling me 'weak' is myself, and no one else in that room (and if they are, fuck them!).
It also occurred to me, after last week's class, that I didn't eat much really good quality protein, so I must make more of an effort to do that to help my muscles recover.
Friday, March 15, 2013
It's too cold outside for angels to fly
I love Steve Kamb and his baby, Nerd Fitness.
Every time he writes an article, it speaks to me, or can be exactly what I needed that week. Sometimes, spookily so. Such as the time myself and a friend had been discussing bacon, and the next day, he wrote an article all about bacon.
This is today's one which, again, has come at the perfect time:
Relax!
And this lead to me reading some other linked articles (I do also do work while I'm in the office, but I'm sure improving myself is better all round for everyone.....), and this quote:
"Look at the changes you’re making to your diet as small steps on the path to a leveled up life. You’re not depriving yourself of junk food because you want to suffer, but rather because you want a better life, a happier existence"
It's stuff that I do know intellectually, but sometimes it just requires that extra something to help it click in to place.
In other news, I dragged myself back to the gym yesterday for a Sh'Bam class. Mostly its just such a fun class, as well as getting very sweaty. And I ran into (not literally, I'm not quite that clumsy) a person that I lived with in the uni hostels in Auckland, who I haven't seen in about 11 years. And it was lovely to see her, and have a chat and hopefully catch up again (and if nothing else, a friendly face to see around the gym), but I was very conscious of the fact that she looks the same (and used to be a fitness model and has a fantastic body, and a killer booty!), and I have put on about 20 kilos or so since then. It was a bit depressing, and made me feel quite ashamed. And then of course, after I left the gym, I got McDonalds for dinner *facepalm*
But today is another day. Better choices are full steam ahead.
Every time he writes an article, it speaks to me, or can be exactly what I needed that week. Sometimes, spookily so. Such as the time myself and a friend had been discussing bacon, and the next day, he wrote an article all about bacon.
This is today's one which, again, has come at the perfect time:
Relax!
And this lead to me reading some other linked articles (I do also do work while I'm in the office, but I'm sure improving myself is better all round for everyone.....), and this quote:
"Look at the changes you’re making to your diet as small steps on the path to a leveled up life. You’re not depriving yourself of junk food because you want to suffer, but rather because you want a better life, a happier existence"
It's stuff that I do know intellectually, but sometimes it just requires that extra something to help it click in to place.
In other news, I dragged myself back to the gym yesterday for a Sh'Bam class. Mostly its just such a fun class, as well as getting very sweaty. And I ran into (not literally, I'm not quite that clumsy) a person that I lived with in the uni hostels in Auckland, who I haven't seen in about 11 years. And it was lovely to see her, and have a chat and hopefully catch up again (and if nothing else, a friendly face to see around the gym), but I was very conscious of the fact that she looks the same (and used to be a fitness model and has a fantastic body, and a killer booty!), and I have put on about 20 kilos or so since then. It was a bit depressing, and made me feel quite ashamed. And then of course, after I left the gym, I got McDonalds for dinner *facepalm*
But today is another day. Better choices are full steam ahead.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Never had much faith in love or miracles
I'm in physical pain, but mental triumph. It's that weird situation where you exercise, and for the next 2 days, your muscles are so sore that it hurts to get out of your chair, or brush your hair, or even just put your earphones in so that you can escape the mundanity of your job through music.
But at the same time, it's a good pain. Not in a masochistic kind of a way, but in a "fuck yeah I did something to achieve this" way. And you know if you keep going, the pain will lessen, but then you'll just have to push yourself harder to get there again.
In the meantime, I'm hobbling everywhere and my range of motion in my arms is similar to that of a T-Rex.
But at the same time, it's a good pain. Not in a masochistic kind of a way, but in a "fuck yeah I did something to achieve this" way. And you know if you keep going, the pain will lessen, but then you'll just have to push yourself harder to get there again.
In the meantime, I'm hobbling everywhere and my range of motion in my arms is similar to that of a T-Rex.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Crowded streets are cleared away one by one
I read this today on a Facebook page that I follow, and it resonated:
"If you start your process by thinking "I am fat and ugly and I hate my body and myself, and I need to do something about this so I won't be such a worthless failure anymore" then the minute you make a "mistake" or "slip-up" in your plans, you will quickly fall back into your old habits because it plays right into the story you keep telling yourself: that you're a worthless failure. In a way, you believe you don't deserve anything better than the way you feel right now, so why bother?
If you start your process by thinking "I have some habits that are really not good for my mental or physical health and I need to work on this so I can live a more fulfilling, active, and happy life" then when you make that same "mistake" (and you will, because nobody is perfect) you can easily move past it because you have a new story: you deserve to feel better in your life. There's nothing wrong with you, you aren't a worthless failure, you're just human and humans sometimes make questionable choices. Not a big deal, you can make a different choice next time."
If you start your process by thinking "I have some habits that are really not good for my mental or physical health and I need to work on this so I can live a more fulfilling, active, and happy life" then when you make that same "mistake" (and you will, because nobody is perfect) you can easily move past it because you have a new story: you deserve to feel better in your life. There's nothing wrong with you, you aren't a worthless failure, you're just human and humans sometimes make questionable choices. Not a big deal, you can make a different choice next time."
I try to think of myself as a healthy fit person, who eats well and works out, so that can become the reality. But actually, that top sentence is still my resounding thought on most days. The mind is such a powerful thing, and it is important to change my pattern of thought so that my mind can be my best friend instead of my worst enemy, but its so hard to convince myself or anything other than what I have thought (or been told)over the last decade or two....
Monday, March 11, 2013
Give me love like never before...
Just had a spectacular weekend.
Friends came down from Palmy for a birthday get-away. We went to the zoo, to Ed Sheeran, drinks and pool (hooray for Murphy's), and just generally hung out on Friday and Saturday.
Ed Sheeran is amazing. I can't even explain it. He does everything himself, and sounds better live than on recordings. Just incredible. Best concert Ive ever been to.
I was worried about being the 3rd wheel (although more like the 7th) but there was another single person so it wasn't so bad.
One thing I realised was how far I have come in terms of being able to express myself. Dad and I have always been close, but I think maybe it wasn't until I went overseas that we regularly started saying 'I love you' to one another, and it was quite awkward at first. Now we sign off each phone call with it, and say it when I leave after a weekend visit, but for a while there it was really hard.
And I think, other than Dad (and maybe Emma, but that was fairly infrequent), Keir may have been the first friend I had that hugged much, and that wasn't so often once we lived together and saw each other all the time. And then Amy came along, and she is a hugger, and expressed emotion very easily.
So over the weekend I realised that I can now hug people all the time (in fact, I crave them far more than I did when I was younger, maybe because I never knew what I was missing out on before?), and rather than being scared of that contact, I love it, and often initiate it too (instead of being scared and waiting for the other person). I also can tell people that I love them without wanting to hyperventilate or cry, and love hearing it too, it no longer scares me if someone loves me. You do have to earn it though - I'm not the kind of person who can just say it to anyone, but for the people I love, its important to me that they know it (perhaps because I now know how nice it feels to be cared about?). It seems like a small thing, but its a major thing for me.
Friends came down from Palmy for a birthday get-away. We went to the zoo, to Ed Sheeran, drinks and pool (hooray for Murphy's), and just generally hung out on Friday and Saturday.
Ed Sheeran is amazing. I can't even explain it. He does everything himself, and sounds better live than on recordings. Just incredible. Best concert Ive ever been to.
I was worried about being the 3rd wheel (although more like the 7th) but there was another single person so it wasn't so bad.
One thing I realised was how far I have come in terms of being able to express myself. Dad and I have always been close, but I think maybe it wasn't until I went overseas that we regularly started saying 'I love you' to one another, and it was quite awkward at first. Now we sign off each phone call with it, and say it when I leave after a weekend visit, but for a while there it was really hard.
And I think, other than Dad (and maybe Emma, but that was fairly infrequent), Keir may have been the first friend I had that hugged much, and that wasn't so often once we lived together and saw each other all the time. And then Amy came along, and she is a hugger, and expressed emotion very easily.
So over the weekend I realised that I can now hug people all the time (in fact, I crave them far more than I did when I was younger, maybe because I never knew what I was missing out on before?), and rather than being scared of that contact, I love it, and often initiate it too (instead of being scared and waiting for the other person). I also can tell people that I love them without wanting to hyperventilate or cry, and love hearing it too, it no longer scares me if someone loves me. You do have to earn it though - I'm not the kind of person who can just say it to anyone, but for the people I love, its important to me that they know it (perhaps because I now know how nice it feels to be cared about?). It seems like a small thing, but its a major thing for me.
Im gonna pick up the pieces...
In just under 3 months I will turn 30. Eeek.
I don't think its the number thats freaking me out so much. Okay that might be a blantant lie. 30 sounds a little old. It sounds like I should be a grown up and have my life sorted, and be settled down with a husband and kids and a house and all that stuff. Not because society says so (because they sort of do, but that is changing) but because I always thought that I would be there by now.
Instead, I am single, have 3 qualifications (2 of which are in related industries), a cat, no money, and no real idea of what I want to do or be or who I am.
So I need to take stock of my life so far.
Over the past decade I have:
- lived in Auckland for 3 years, loved and lost my first "boyfriend", and still managed to push through and complete a 3 year Bachelors degree, got drunk a lot (hello tequila and lemonade!), smoked too much, did regrettable (not really) things in a pub, got piercings and tattoos, and made some awesome friends and a fabulous bestie
- moved back to Palmy, found a job, made some new friends (some of whom I am still close to), flatted with one of those friends and had the most fun (and drunk) times, discovered more great music and made awesome memories, got my restricted licence, and fell for guys that I shouldn't have (pretty boys with long hair are a weakness)
- went overseas, lived in Ireland by myself for a year, managed to find work and places to live, made some friends (noone that Im terribly close to, and don't really stay in touch with, except for one person that I now work with), tried to figure out what I would do when I came back home, travelled around some, went to awesome concerts, and fell for another pretty boy with long hair (note: not a good idea to fall for guys in another country, because they tend to stay there when you leave)
- came back to Palmy, got a job straight away, made some awesome friends there, researched courses I could do since office jobs no longer really appealed (I had it narrowed down to vet nursing or primary school teaching), moved into a new flat, met my second bestie, got a kitten, started going to counselling (possibly about 10 years later than I should have, but better late than never), started meeting/dating guys online (could also be known as the start of the 'WTF was I thinking?' phase of men in my life), joined a weight loss centre, lost about 16kgs (which I then gained back, plus interest), got my full licence, and a bit of a strained relationship with Dad due to his horrific taste in women (well, just the one really)
- chose Vet Nursing, so spent 2 years studying, combination of flatting or living with Dad (once he had broken up with said horrific woman, and then our relationship got awesome again), did a bit more counselling, met more amazing people (still close to about half), continued with terrible men (I think it was only 3 all up, but all pretty awful), got a job in a supermarket (increased my hatred of people...), weight stayed about the same (exercised quite a bit and course was pretty physical, but my eating went in waves of good and crap), serious depression episode which resulted in my first experience with anti-depressants (and learning not to go off them just because you are starting to feel better) joined another weight loss centre/club/regime, and started getting more comfortable with my own feelings
- finished course, moved to Wellington to an office job (would've taken any job at that stage), moved in with someone I knew through a friend that I had met a few times (who then turned into another very close friend), lost a bit more weight, met a guy (online again) who then turned into my first serious relationship (lasted just under 2 years), moved in with him, gained all my weight back (plus, interest again), got a vet nursing job which I loved, met some awesome people through work, started losing weight again, gained it back again, did some more counselling, self-esteem increased and decreased in waves, on and off anti-depressants again, realising that I expect too much of my friends simply because I would do anything for them and that isn't always returned (and maybe its unrealistic to think it would be...), choosing my own happiness above someone else's (and ending the 2yr relationship), deciding to do a different course (zookeeping), and making the decision to move back up to Auckland
- moved to Auckland to do the course, found a flat, did a telemarketing job (never again), met another guy online (also a wanker, possibly ending my online trials altogether), got viral meningitis (hopefully also never again) and had my first stay(s) in hospital, another vet nursing job, met cool people through the course and work, loved Auckland Zoo, did some more counselling (best one yet), felt fairly miserable and lonely (and although its easy to blame this on Auckland, realising it was more to do with me and not just location), got to spend time with my bestie up there, and then decided to move back down closer to friends and family once the course was over (and there were no jobs going at the zoo)
- back in Wellington, in an office job short-term (another 5 months), feeling lonely and miserable half of the time, regular trips back up to Foxton/Palmy to spend time with friends and my dad definitely helps, realising Im in love with a friend of mine (out of my league, 95% sure he does not feel the same), wanting to sort my shit out before I enter the next decade
So I have done a lot, accomplished some things, and closer to figuring out what I do and don't want out of life. My goal is to lose a bit of weight (get out of the triple digits and stay out of there forever more) and sort my head out a bit more, over the next couple of months so I start my next decade in a healthier place physically and mentally.
I don't think its the number thats freaking me out so much. Okay that might be a blantant lie. 30 sounds a little old. It sounds like I should be a grown up and have my life sorted, and be settled down with a husband and kids and a house and all that stuff. Not because society says so (because they sort of do, but that is changing) but because I always thought that I would be there by now.
Instead, I am single, have 3 qualifications (2 of which are in related industries), a cat, no money, and no real idea of what I want to do or be or who I am.
So I need to take stock of my life so far.
Over the past decade I have:
- lived in Auckland for 3 years, loved and lost my first "boyfriend", and still managed to push through and complete a 3 year Bachelors degree, got drunk a lot (hello tequila and lemonade!), smoked too much, did regrettable (not really) things in a pub, got piercings and tattoos, and made some awesome friends and a fabulous bestie
- moved back to Palmy, found a job, made some new friends (some of whom I am still close to), flatted with one of those friends and had the most fun (and drunk) times, discovered more great music and made awesome memories, got my restricted licence, and fell for guys that I shouldn't have (pretty boys with long hair are a weakness)
- went overseas, lived in Ireland by myself for a year, managed to find work and places to live, made some friends (noone that Im terribly close to, and don't really stay in touch with, except for one person that I now work with), tried to figure out what I would do when I came back home, travelled around some, went to awesome concerts, and fell for another pretty boy with long hair (note: not a good idea to fall for guys in another country, because they tend to stay there when you leave)
- came back to Palmy, got a job straight away, made some awesome friends there, researched courses I could do since office jobs no longer really appealed (I had it narrowed down to vet nursing or primary school teaching), moved into a new flat, met my second bestie, got a kitten, started going to counselling (possibly about 10 years later than I should have, but better late than never), started meeting/dating guys online (could also be known as the start of the 'WTF was I thinking?' phase of men in my life), joined a weight loss centre, lost about 16kgs (which I then gained back, plus interest), got my full licence, and a bit of a strained relationship with Dad due to his horrific taste in women (well, just the one really)
- chose Vet Nursing, so spent 2 years studying, combination of flatting or living with Dad (once he had broken up with said horrific woman, and then our relationship got awesome again), did a bit more counselling, met more amazing people (still close to about half), continued with terrible men (I think it was only 3 all up, but all pretty awful), got a job in a supermarket (increased my hatred of people...), weight stayed about the same (exercised quite a bit and course was pretty physical, but my eating went in waves of good and crap), serious depression episode which resulted in my first experience with anti-depressants (and learning not to go off them just because you are starting to feel better) joined another weight loss centre/club/regime, and started getting more comfortable with my own feelings
- finished course, moved to Wellington to an office job (would've taken any job at that stage), moved in with someone I knew through a friend that I had met a few times (who then turned into another very close friend), lost a bit more weight, met a guy (online again) who then turned into my first serious relationship (lasted just under 2 years), moved in with him, gained all my weight back (plus, interest again), got a vet nursing job which I loved, met some awesome people through work, started losing weight again, gained it back again, did some more counselling, self-esteem increased and decreased in waves, on and off anti-depressants again, realising that I expect too much of my friends simply because I would do anything for them and that isn't always returned (and maybe its unrealistic to think it would be...), choosing my own happiness above someone else's (and ending the 2yr relationship), deciding to do a different course (zookeeping), and making the decision to move back up to Auckland
- moved to Auckland to do the course, found a flat, did a telemarketing job (never again), met another guy online (also a wanker, possibly ending my online trials altogether), got viral meningitis (hopefully also never again) and had my first stay(s) in hospital, another vet nursing job, met cool people through the course and work, loved Auckland Zoo, did some more counselling (best one yet), felt fairly miserable and lonely (and although its easy to blame this on Auckland, realising it was more to do with me and not just location), got to spend time with my bestie up there, and then decided to move back down closer to friends and family once the course was over (and there were no jobs going at the zoo)
- back in Wellington, in an office job short-term (another 5 months), feeling lonely and miserable half of the time, regular trips back up to Foxton/Palmy to spend time with friends and my dad definitely helps, realising Im in love with a friend of mine (out of my league, 95% sure he does not feel the same), wanting to sort my shit out before I enter the next decade
So I have done a lot, accomplished some things, and closer to figuring out what I do and don't want out of life. My goal is to lose a bit of weight (get out of the triple digits and stay out of there forever more) and sort my head out a bit more, over the next couple of months so I start my next decade in a healthier place physically and mentally.
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