When enemies are at your door I'll carry you away from war

Sometimes I lament the fact that I don't have a lot of friends. But then I realise that I have a few amazing friends, which make me so freaking lucky.

And they are friends that I believe are meant to be - they came about out of circumstances that weren't common or normal or usual for me.

First is EG. She and I met at my first time at University. We were in the same tutorial class for Psychology. As we were leaving class one day, we were at the same traffic lights waiting to cross the road. And I spoke to her. Something along the lines of "Hey I think we're in the same Psych class/tut". This is something I don't do. I am shy and terrified of new people. Especially my first time at Uni. I was shell shocked and so scared in this big new world. But something about her made me approach and establish a connection. And it has been one of the best connections ever. She has been with me through some of my very toughest times, such as losing Jeremy, and just general life crappiness, and knows me so much better than I know myself. I would do anything for her, and believe the vice versa is also true - which makes me thank my lucky stars on a very regular basis.

Second is HS. I met her cousin on a Foo Fighters noticeboard - we talked a lot about opening our own music store, which would also be a cafe and vet clinic? Somehow it was going to work. Through her I then met HS through online blogging and then we all met for a drink at a Wellington pub one day. Again, I don't like new people. And in fact, all three of us are quite similar like that, which I guess is how it worked. When I moved down to Wellington, and was stuck for a place to live, she offered me the spare room in her flat. And the rest is pretty much history. She is amazing and lovely and someone else I am very lucky to have in my life. She accepts me, and even loves me, with all my flaws and imperfections, and perhaps even because of some of them.

Last, in the timeline of meeting these lovely ladies, but definitely not least, is AB. She is my sister from another mister. I don't understand how I have not known her my whole life, but I can't imagine not having her in my life for a single minute. She moved into a flat that I was already living in. Have I mentioned yet that I am not good with new people and making the first move with people? Well maybe her second day in the flat, I got up and I don't remember which of us was in the lounge first - but I was tired, and she was hungover, and we managed to bond over the Home and Away omnibus. It was the start of something amazing. We are so similar, that it's actually surprising that we don't ever really fight. Somehow we complement each other beautifully and, without going all 'Jerry Maguire' on it, she completes me.

I sometimes think that if I won one of those competitions where you can have a private screening with 20 of your friends, that I would struggle to come up with 20. And life can get lonely once in a while. But I have a few very close friends, who are the very bestest ever, and I would not change that for all the friends in the world.

You drove me nearly out of my head while you never shed a tear

So today was my very very first time using a ride on lawnmower (other than a short tutorial in how to use it). And so you'd think I'd be forgiven for not being perfect at it first time out. Instead, I berate and belittle myself for not being amazing the first time out. Just little things like not being able to get the catcher to work properly (which I did manage to rectify), and the engine cutting out on the slightly too long grass in some areas, and then getting a flat tyre. So then I am convinced that I suck and am no good at anything.

Thanks mum.

I do recall my mum's favourite saying to me (or at least the one that stands out most) was that I was "useless as tits on a bull". Even if it was my first time doing something, if I wasn't great at it straight away, she would get frustrated and speak the above golden words. Which is why now, I hate trying new things, mostly because I'm worried that I won't be perfect at them. And nearly no one is perfect at anything the first time they try them out. But yet, I can't seem to give myself a break.

I do think about if it was someone else in the same shoes. I would tell them they are being silly for expecting to not make any mistakes the first time they do something. But we are our own worst critics, especially when you have been brought up with that same criticism by one of the people that is supposed to love and support you unconditionally.

I know that she had the shittiest upbringing with way worse parents that I have ever known, but that still doesn't make it okay. At some point, someone needs to break the cycle. I promise I will. First I just have to start with myself, and forgive myself if I make some mistakes along the way...

It'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar

When I had a talk with Jo the other day, I realised that the thing I most want in this world - more than polar bears and travel and to work with big cats, is to have kids. I knew they were high on my list, but if I could only do one thing, it would be to be a mum. Crazy huh? Surprised me....

I have to stop thinking of wanting to lose weight as actually losing weight, or generalising getting healthier, or less specifics. At this point, even if I had a man, or a turkey baster, I don't think I could actually get pregnant. And even if I could, the extra weight could potentially kill me. And cause gestational diabetes. Etc etc.

It's not about getting fit and strong to make work easier, or to make travel more adventurous (although it will definitely help). It's so I can get pregnant, safely have a baby(ies), and be a good mum who can carry her kid(s) and run around with them and set a good example.

So maybe my vision board needs babies? Or at least motherly related things.

Currently watching One Tree Hill and the little kid on there is so cute it makes my ovaries hurt. Someone gets an ultrasound and hears their babies heart beat for the first time, and I dissolve into tears (and not for the first time). 

And here I was thinking I was content enough with fur babies.....