It's been a few crazy week.
The puppies are now eight weeks old and half of them leave us for new homes tomorrow. I predict a small flood of tears....
Last week I had some time off and went up to Auckland to hang with friends up there, and also spend time with both of my besties. I am lucky enough to have two of the very best friends a girl could ask for. Went to Michael Buble (only been waiting FOREVER for him to come to NZ), and had the surreal experience of hooking up with a semi-famous musician from the support act - hot!!! Stuff like that never happens to me - was a pretty proud moment I'm not going to lie.
Also did a bridge swing - being dropped from 80m up to free fall and then swing at the end of the rope. Once you fall though, the canyon is beautiful and it was rather peaceful.
My healthy eating has fallen way way by the wayside. I figured the other day that there are 31 weeks until the end of 2014. I aim to get myself back on track to be firmly down in double digits by the new year. Not because of what other people think, but to make myself feel better and able to move easier etc. Even just eating better does make me feel healthier and have more energy, and all that crap that people preach at you. Sadly it is true, but it is hard work. Life is too short to deprive yourself and worry too much about food and weight and stuff, but at the same time, it's also too short to make it even shorter by putting your health at risk, and I would like to feel fit and healthy at least once in my adult life - especially if I ever hope to have kids.
Got to see my niece and sister-in-law today. Love them so much. Do not spend nearly enough time with them and my niece is a teenager already. It's a bit scary. Time goes way too quickly.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
I wanna be free, I wanna just live
Today is potentially my least favourite day of the year.
It's the day that I feel obliged to text my mum to wish her a happy Mother's day. And usually just to keep the peace so that dad doesn't have to hear her moaning that I didn't text her.
Sure she gave birth to me, and for 14 years she did fill in the role of 'mother', but it seems not a job she excelled at. I think the only positive thing she passed on, or encouraged, was my passion and empathy for animals.
In the last few years, and especially after working with Jo, who knows my mum and the childhood she had, I feel a lot more sympathy for her than I would've felt possible at one stage. I understand that she did do the best she could based on her upbringing and being in a very shitty situation. But that doesn't actually make it ok to emotionally abuse your kids and leave them feeling defective and unloved.
I know that I've broken a majority of the cycle already. When I was first diagnosed with depression I vehemently didn't want medication or anything because I didn't want to be "mental" like my mother. But actually asking for help, knowing when I need it, and taking the necessary steps to get better, already puts my light years ahead of her.
The fact that I have dad and Jo, and have learned to love and accept that others love me (which admittedly I do still struggle with constantly but getting better at it nonetheless), also puts me at a great advantage in life, especially when I have my own kids. Loved ones are the reason why when I've been at my lowest, and can understand that feeling where an exit strategy is your best option, it doesn't go any further than that. I've been on the receiving end of that situation before, and I sure as hell could never put my dad through that.
But there is still a small nagging part of me that worries that you can't change where you come from. As much as I am my father's daughter, and very lucky to be so, she is still in me too and it does make me worry about my mothering ability for when the time comes. I know I am nothing like
her, but still it nags at me every so often.
My brother is still a mess. He does need to choose to make a change and to sort it out, and I worry that he never will. He has in so many ways passed those same issues on to his kids. It's just not fair.
I'm proud of the progress I have made. I still have a long way to go, and I need to learn to effectively mother myself more, but I'm a hell of a lot better off without mum than I ever was with her, so I don't understand why she should receive any recognition on this day.
It's the day that I feel obliged to text my mum to wish her a happy Mother's day. And usually just to keep the peace so that dad doesn't have to hear her moaning that I didn't text her.
Sure she gave birth to me, and for 14 years she did fill in the role of 'mother', but it seems not a job she excelled at. I think the only positive thing she passed on, or encouraged, was my passion and empathy for animals.
In the last few years, and especially after working with Jo, who knows my mum and the childhood she had, I feel a lot more sympathy for her than I would've felt possible at one stage. I understand that she did do the best she could based on her upbringing and being in a very shitty situation. But that doesn't actually make it ok to emotionally abuse your kids and leave them feeling defective and unloved.
I know that I've broken a majority of the cycle already. When I was first diagnosed with depression I vehemently didn't want medication or anything because I didn't want to be "mental" like my mother. But actually asking for help, knowing when I need it, and taking the necessary steps to get better, already puts my light years ahead of her.
The fact that I have dad and Jo, and have learned to love and accept that others love me (which admittedly I do still struggle with constantly but getting better at it nonetheless), also puts me at a great advantage in life, especially when I have my own kids. Loved ones are the reason why when I've been at my lowest, and can understand that feeling where an exit strategy is your best option, it doesn't go any further than that. I've been on the receiving end of that situation before, and I sure as hell could never put my dad through that.
But there is still a small nagging part of me that worries that you can't change where you come from. As much as I am my father's daughter, and very lucky to be so, she is still in me too and it does make me worry about my mothering ability for when the time comes. I know I am nothing like
her, but still it nags at me every so often.
My brother is still a mess. He does need to choose to make a change and to sort it out, and I worry that he never will. He has in so many ways passed those same issues on to his kids. It's just not fair.
I'm proud of the progress I have made. I still have a long way to go, and I need to learn to effectively mother myself more, but I'm a hell of a lot better off without mum than I ever was with her, so I don't understand why she should receive any recognition on this day.
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