Like a termite that's choking on the splinters

We have these two weight bags at home - one is just 5kgs and is easy to lift and do things with. The other is 25kgs and I struggle to pick it up at all, let alone hefting it around. But it occurs to me that I carry around two of these bags every day in the form of extra weight, and it is horrid to think of the amount of stress and damage my body is under just having to live with this constantly.

I really am tired of feeling like shit every day. I am sick of constantly knocking stuff over because I am wider/bigger than a lot of spaces allow for, or than I calculate for.

I know I go through this phase of being sick of it every few months, but I really am aware now of the damage I am doing to myself. My joints hurt, my digestive system sucks, I do not sleep well, I have bugger all energy, and the list goes on. It's not going to be fixed overnight, but I CAN do this. I just have to want it enough for myself.

There is the added bonus of having recently seen people that I don't see very often, so I want to do it to get a 'Wow' the next time I see them. I don't even care how narcissistic that may seem....

Small steps. I am on night shift for the next few nights which is not the ideal time for making changes, but I can at least make sure that I eat better than I did during my last night shifts, and make small improvements to better myself each day.

I will try to post regarding this more frequently, to keep myself accountable. Please feel free to kick my arse if I seem to be regressing or giving up.

I hope that heaven is your resting place

Today, I attended the funeral of my (second) mum's father, Jacko. He was such a kind and gentle soul, who had an amazing sense of humour, and plenty of time for anyone and everyone. He was 89, so he got to live a full and long life, but that does not make it any less sad when you lose someone you love. And Jo is a daddy's girl, much like I am, so I could only imagine the pain and loss she was feeling. She herself thought she was prepared for it, as he has been in a home for the last five years, and she believed she was somewhat at peace at the idea of losing him, but it hit her harder than she expected.

As I was driving down to Otaki, I passed the hill where Barry's (Jo's first husband) ashes are scattered. This brought on my first tears of the day - it doesn't seem fair that Jo's husband should be gone before her father, and while I cried I told Barry to make sure he is there waiting to greet Jacko along with Mamma, who passed away just two years ago.

What made it worse for me, was that Dad didn't make it today. Him and Jo have been friends forever - their families grew up together on the same street, he was best friends with Barry, and so much more history than I care to go into, or I would be typing all day. When I saw Dad yesterday he told me he couldn't take the day off, and might not make it. I then asked if he had rung Jo at all since Monday and he replied "No but I did text her". Cue a small amount of rage. When Jo's mum passed away, he did the same. I think his reasoning was that he didn't want to ring her and bother her when she was going through so much. If a loved one of mine dies, and my closest friends only text me, and not ring or show up on my doorstep, I will be greatly hurt (and likely later pissed off, but definitely upset). So that fact that this time he didn't ring, and also couldn't organise a couple of hours off from work to come to the funeral? So mad on Jo's behalf, and on mine since I then had to pass on his "apologies". I never want to cause a look on someones face again like the look on Jo's face when I told her that Dad wasn't coming today. It almost broke my heart.

However it was a lovely service. A couple of Jacko's great grandkids were present, and they were playing with toys and generally being cute during the funeral, which was just perfect, and exactly what he would've wanted. It was nice to see everyone too. It definitely reminds you to make the most of your time with your loved ones, since you never know when it might be too late. And to spend time with family at happier times, and not just catching up with everyone at such a sad occasion.

I've been looking for a four leaf clover...

Well I have survived the first two weeks of the new job. I feel like I fit in well within the team, which was a big worry for me considering how convinced I am that nobody likes me. Everyone is lovely and easy to get along with, and so far it is pretty fun working with them. In a job so stressful and busy it is nice to work with great people.

The job itself is hard, and has been a lot of learning and thinking and it is tiring, but it is awesome to be back doing something I enjoy, despite how hard it is. I work long shifts, it is very physical, and you very often do not get a break or a chance to just stop and breathe, but it is worth it. I haven't been great with food habits for the last two weeks, while I try to get used to the new routine, but time to sort that out too. I have been wearing my FitBit and I am regularly doing at least 7000 steps a day, without any extra effort at all. A couple of days have been at the 10000 steps mark, so this will definitely help in the long term. I definitely do not miss sitting on my arse all day in an office job. I am shattered at the end of each day, but it helps me sleep well, and I feel like I am actually achieving something, and doing something worthwhile that I give a shit about, instead of the last couple of jobs that were fairly inconsequential.

I haven't had enough energy to do much else, or think about much else really. Focusing on proper nutrition will become important since I need to have the energy and well being to make it through each day. I will also join the workplace gym because the more I am moving, the more I want to move - which is a nice bonus :)

Also, this time next weekend I will be up in Auckland preparing to see Mr Justin Timberlake, which I am pretty damn excited about!