I never meant to start a war I just wanted you to let me in

So I am very overdue for doing an update on how my counselling/coaching sessions are going with Jo - it will be quite the post, or series of posts.

In the meantime, part of what we talked about this week is how unattractive I feel, and how I have not even found anyone attractive to look at in ages. I feel like I'm always searching for eye candy but hadn't seen any in a while, which is bizarre given how bad I was just a few months ago. So part of my "homework" for this week was to find at least one attractive guy on my travels.

Enter Tankapalooza. Mission accomplished.

Hot guys everywhere. And despite feeling fat, I felt quite pretty which was a nice change. And mostly I was so focused on the music and enjoying myself that I didn't care that much anyway :)

One of the hot guys was an ex of sorts. More that he was a guy I used to hook up/sleep with a few years back. Actually, about eight years ago, which is crazy in itself.

He has developed this killer beard. I have a beard addiction (fetish is such a dirty sounding word, but it is a bit of a fetish to be fair). He is still the skinniest guy I've ever met, but tall, hot, and just such a beautiful beard.

The sad thing is how awkward things are. I saw him a couple of months ago - we stood next to each other whilst talking to mutual friends - and he avoided making eye contact so I avoided saying a word. This time, the girl I was to catch up with at the gig was hanging out in his corner. Again, we avoided saying a word to each other. It makes me sad because I would like to at least be friends with him. It's my fault - I acted like a bit of a tard. I liked him a lot (and he was the most beautiful guy I had ever had the pleasure of making out with), and I had high expectations (it was also a year after Jeremy died so I was trying to not run away from attachment, and instead went in the complete other direction and got far too attached), which he did not share. The first time this happened I was actually fine. After him telling his cousin (who was flatmates with a good friend of mine) that he really liked me, and wished we were still hanging out, and me hearing this, we started hooking up again. He lost a friend and turned to me for comfort, and as I would be for anyone I care about, I was there for him. And I think that convinced me that there was potential. And so when we went our separate ways, I cracked a little and got a bit sad about it. I wasn't a psycho, and I don't think I made things awkward, but I broke my own heart with it all. Silly girl.

And since then we normally only see each other when we're drunk. In fact, one such time I introduced him to a friend of mine as "this is D..., he broke my heart once" and then laughed it off awkwardly. Aside from that, we just haven't seen each other much. Last time I saw him he looked a little homeless which made things easy - but this beard provides way too much food for thought!!

Men.

I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies

There are things that I really enjoy about being single:
- having a whole bed to myself to stretch out
- not having anyone else hog the blankets - mine, all mine!!
- being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want
- not having to answer to anyone or worry about their opinion (that said - never again will I ever let someone dictate the length of my hair based on their preference - I'll cut it off if I damn well want to!!)
- not having to shave my legs every day if I don't want to
- being able to have lazy days at home in track pants and not worrying about turning anyone off (not that that bothers you after a few months anyway....)
- being able to perv on boys, and flirt if the opportunity arises, without pissing anyone off

But then, there's so many things I miss. Aside from the obvious physical aspect likes hugs and kisses, and whatever rhymes with 'hug me', there are the other bits I miss too. The main one lately that's been bugging me is having someone to do stuff with. There's a few gigs coming up that none of my friends want to go to, because the gig/genre is not their scene or whatever, and I just wish I had a person to go to things with. I miss hearing about an event I want to go to and automatically knowing that I have a partner that will come along. I don't mind going to events on my own every so often, but otherwise my life just feels so freaking lonely. Its' dumb.