They are the hunters we are the foxes

Been a very exhausting couple of weeks, without much forward progress in anything other than being shattered and overworked.

I think I prefer working night shift to day shift in ICU at work - mostly because you only have a couple of you on and you can run things your way. During the day there is certainly too many chiefs, and with everyone wanting you to do everything at once, you feel like an Indian who is due to be scalped - and almost welcome it. The day nurses are almost like a mafia - they are all lovely on their own but intimidating as a group. It is going to take me a while to settle in and get used to it I think. One more week of day shifts and then back to nights so that will be nice.

Weeks start off with good eating and then that falls by the wayside as I get more and more tired. I don't have the energy to cook when I get home, which of course is a catch 22 because better quality food would make me feel better, but it just takes more effort.

I am still trying to decide on a gym to join. It seems almost impossible to find one with classes that work in with my work hours - which is a pain. But then our roster should change early next year and things might work out better. I just feel lazy and unproductive and want to make that different.

Any other 80s kids (or older adults) out there that ever experienced Rawleigh's Anti-Pain Oil? Dad and I were discussing this today. It was total false advertising. I think the stuff was about 98% alcohol and it induced the most pain ever. Whenever we had cuts, scrapes, scratches, bites, etc, out came the "anti-pain oil". It got to a point where if you hurt yourself you hid it as best you could to avoid the burning pain of this so-called remedy. It doesn't appear you can buy it in NZ anymore thank goodness. I wonder if there were child abuse claims brought around because of parents torturing them with this shit. It wouldn't surprise me at all....

Like a termite that's choking on the splinters

We have these two weight bags at home - one is just 5kgs and is easy to lift and do things with. The other is 25kgs and I struggle to pick it up at all, let alone hefting it around. But it occurs to me that I carry around two of these bags every day in the form of extra weight, and it is horrid to think of the amount of stress and damage my body is under just having to live with this constantly.

I really am tired of feeling like shit every day. I am sick of constantly knocking stuff over because I am wider/bigger than a lot of spaces allow for, or than I calculate for.

I know I go through this phase of being sick of it every few months, but I really am aware now of the damage I am doing to myself. My joints hurt, my digestive system sucks, I do not sleep well, I have bugger all energy, and the list goes on. It's not going to be fixed overnight, but I CAN do this. I just have to want it enough for myself.

There is the added bonus of having recently seen people that I don't see very often, so I want to do it to get a 'Wow' the next time I see them. I don't even care how narcissistic that may seem....

Small steps. I am on night shift for the next few nights which is not the ideal time for making changes, but I can at least make sure that I eat better than I did during my last night shifts, and make small improvements to better myself each day.

I will try to post regarding this more frequently, to keep myself accountable. Please feel free to kick my arse if I seem to be regressing or giving up.

I hope that heaven is your resting place

Today, I attended the funeral of my (second) mum's father, Jacko. He was such a kind and gentle soul, who had an amazing sense of humour, and plenty of time for anyone and everyone. He was 89, so he got to live a full and long life, but that does not make it any less sad when you lose someone you love. And Jo is a daddy's girl, much like I am, so I could only imagine the pain and loss she was feeling. She herself thought she was prepared for it, as he has been in a home for the last five years, and she believed she was somewhat at peace at the idea of losing him, but it hit her harder than she expected.

As I was driving down to Otaki, I passed the hill where Barry's (Jo's first husband) ashes are scattered. This brought on my first tears of the day - it doesn't seem fair that Jo's husband should be gone before her father, and while I cried I told Barry to make sure he is there waiting to greet Jacko along with Mamma, who passed away just two years ago.

What made it worse for me, was that Dad didn't make it today. Him and Jo have been friends forever - their families grew up together on the same street, he was best friends with Barry, and so much more history than I care to go into, or I would be typing all day. When I saw Dad yesterday he told me he couldn't take the day off, and might not make it. I then asked if he had rung Jo at all since Monday and he replied "No but I did text her". Cue a small amount of rage. When Jo's mum passed away, he did the same. I think his reasoning was that he didn't want to ring her and bother her when she was going through so much. If a loved one of mine dies, and my closest friends only text me, and not ring or show up on my doorstep, I will be greatly hurt (and likely later pissed off, but definitely upset). So that fact that this time he didn't ring, and also couldn't organise a couple of hours off from work to come to the funeral? So mad on Jo's behalf, and on mine since I then had to pass on his "apologies". I never want to cause a look on someones face again like the look on Jo's face when I told her that Dad wasn't coming today. It almost broke my heart.

However it was a lovely service. A couple of Jacko's great grandkids were present, and they were playing with toys and generally being cute during the funeral, which was just perfect, and exactly what he would've wanted. It was nice to see everyone too. It definitely reminds you to make the most of your time with your loved ones, since you never know when it might be too late. And to spend time with family at happier times, and not just catching up with everyone at such a sad occasion.

I've been looking for a four leaf clover...

Well I have survived the first two weeks of the new job. I feel like I fit in well within the team, which was a big worry for me considering how convinced I am that nobody likes me. Everyone is lovely and easy to get along with, and so far it is pretty fun working with them. In a job so stressful and busy it is nice to work with great people.

The job itself is hard, and has been a lot of learning and thinking and it is tiring, but it is awesome to be back doing something I enjoy, despite how hard it is. I work long shifts, it is very physical, and you very often do not get a break or a chance to just stop and breathe, but it is worth it. I haven't been great with food habits for the last two weeks, while I try to get used to the new routine, but time to sort that out too. I have been wearing my FitBit and I am regularly doing at least 7000 steps a day, without any extra effort at all. A couple of days have been at the 10000 steps mark, so this will definitely help in the long term. I definitely do not miss sitting on my arse all day in an office job. I am shattered at the end of each day, but it helps me sleep well, and I feel like I am actually achieving something, and doing something worthwhile that I give a shit about, instead of the last couple of jobs that were fairly inconsequential.

I haven't had enough energy to do much else, or think about much else really. Focusing on proper nutrition will become important since I need to have the energy and well being to make it through each day. I will also join the workplace gym because the more I am moving, the more I want to move - which is a nice bonus :)

Also, this time next weekend I will be up in Auckland preparing to see Mr Justin Timberlake, which I am pretty damn excited about!

At most I'm sleeping all these demons away

You know when you break up with someone? And you know it's the best thing to have done for both of you in the long run. And it gets to where you actually really do know and feel that, and its absolutely the best thing to have done, and you don't miss them in the slightest. But then you hear via the grapevine that is Facebook, that said Ex has bought a house and has just got engaged. And even though you do not want any of that with him, you still feel sad because you do want all of that, and you don't have it. And that makes you just a teensy bit jealous because you get life-envy. But then you laugh at the poor woman for being stuck with said-ex. And you laugh some more because he has gotten yucky, and you know that even though you have put on weight, you are still prettier than his new girlfriend, and that makes you smile just a little.

We don't have to be ordinary

Well well. A wee bit has changed lately. Despite my absolute lack of confidence, I managed to score the job I was talking about in my last post. I have 2 weeks left of my current shitty job, a week off to prepare and panic, and then I get to be a vet nurse again. And back at Massey in the Vet Hospital where it all began, just as a staff member instead of a student this time. I am excited but nervousness is the primary emotion still at this stage!

Despite some of the staff remembering me, I can essentially reinvent myself to who I want to be. 3 weeks to form some healthy habits and prepare for a new life, as it were.

It was Jeremy's 11th anniversary this week. I thought I was feeling better about it. Actually, I know I am overall. I am much better these days at remembering him with more smiles than tears. That said, it hit me like a punch to the face on Thursday. I was grumpy as hell, and just overwhelmingly off all day. But it was better than the previous years. And he sent me a fantail to brighten my day on Friday.

I've also been to a yoga class (which reminded me how much I enjoy yoga, even though this was not really the right class for me), and a meditation class. Reminding myself to breathe and be more aware of myself is definitely good for my soul.

I am still having my down moments but overall feeling happier. Now I just need to stop letting other people have so much emphasis on how I feel about myself and remind myself that I am awesome and people should want to spend time with me. Its their loss if they don't and I should try not to take it so personally.

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I am having a confidence crisis. In almost areas of my life.

I eat well for a few days or a week, and then I am convinced that I will fail, or that it won’t make any difference in my life even if I did succeed, and I give up and go back to bad habits.

I hate my job, but it is comfortable and I feel like I will never get a vet nursing job, because I have never had a full nursing job before and I no longer have half the skills required, and no one wants to take on a nurse who needs retraining in some areas. And I feel like I am crap at the job so it is easier to stay in a job I am good at that I don’t give a fuck about, rather than risk failing at something I want.

I think I am scared of going to Canada because it means so much to me, and I keep sabotaging my own saving efforts, because I don’t think I can hack it.

I feel like I have to be the one to initiate hanging out with friends a majority of the time, and then that they only spend time with me because I badger them into it. I think this is why I don’t have many friends anymore – is because I am so sure they are happy to be without me that I stop putting much effort in. They also don’t put in the effort but I know I am mostly to blame.

I want to get fitter and stronger, not just to lose weight, but to feel like I would do better at vet nursing or zoo jobs, but I am so convinced that I am shit at it that I give up in that area too.

I thought I was doing better. Some days I am.

I have a vet nursing interview next week. I almost want to cancel since I am sure I won’t get it anyway that I don’t see what the point is. How can I work in a teaching hospital if I need to be taught myself?

In the meantime I am going to go and drown my sorrows in a bubble bath. Not literally...

With a taste of a poison paradise...

It's been a few crazy week.

The puppies are now eight weeks old and half of them leave us for new homes tomorrow. I predict a small flood of tears....

Last week I had some time off and went up to Auckland to hang with friends up there, and also spend time with both of my besties. I am lucky enough to have two of the very best friends a girl could ask for. Went to Michael Buble (only been waiting FOREVER for him to come to NZ), and had the surreal experience of hooking up with a semi-famous musician from the support act - hot!!! Stuff like that never happens to me - was a pretty proud moment I'm not going to lie.

Also did a bridge swing - being dropped from 80m up to free fall and then swing at the end of the rope. Once you fall though, the canyon is beautiful and it was rather peaceful.

My healthy eating has fallen way way by the wayside. I figured the other day that there are 31 weeks until the end of 2014. I aim to get myself back on track to be firmly down in double digits by the new year. Not because of what other people think, but to make myself feel better and able to move easier etc. Even just eating better does make me feel healthier and have more energy, and all that crap that people preach at you. Sadly it is true, but it is hard work. Life is too short to deprive yourself and worry too much about food and weight and stuff, but at the same time, it's also too short to make it even shorter by putting your health at risk, and I would like to feel fit and healthy at least once in my adult life - especially if I ever hope to have kids.

Got to see my niece and sister-in-law today. Love them so much. Do not spend nearly enough time with them and my niece is a teenager already. It's a bit scary. Time goes way too quickly.

I wanna be free, I wanna just live

Today is potentially my least favourite day of the year.

It's the day that I feel obliged to text my mum to wish her a happy Mother's day. And usually just to keep the peace so that dad doesn't have to hear her moaning that I didn't text her.

Sure she gave birth to me, and for 14 years she did fill in the role of 'mother', but it seems not a job she excelled at. I think the only positive thing she passed on, or encouraged, was my passion and empathy for animals.

In the last few years, and especially after working with Jo, who knows my mum and the childhood she had, I feel a lot more sympathy for her than I would've felt possible at one stage. I understand that she did do the best she could based on her upbringing and being in a very shitty situation. But that doesn't actually make it ok to emotionally abuse your kids and leave them feeling defective and unloved.

I know that I've broken a majority of the cycle already. When I was first diagnosed with depression I vehemently didn't want medication or anything because I didn't want to be "mental" like my mother. But actually asking for help, knowing when I need it, and taking the necessary steps to get better, already puts my light years ahead of her.

The fact that I have dad and Jo, and have learned to love and accept that others love me (which admittedly I do still struggle with constantly but getting better at it nonetheless), also puts me at a great advantage in life, especially when I have my own kids. Loved ones are the reason why when I've been at my lowest, and can understand that feeling where an exit strategy is your best option, it doesn't go any further than that. I've been on the receiving end of that situation before, and I sure as hell could never put my dad through that.

But there is still a small nagging part of me that worries that you can't change where you come from. As much as I am my father's daughter, and very lucky to be so, she is still in me too and it does make me worry about my mothering ability for when the time comes. I know I am nothing like
her, but still it nags at me every so often.

My brother is still a mess. He does need to choose to make a change and to sort it out, and I worry that he never will. He has in so many ways passed those same issues on to his kids. It's just not fair.

I'm proud of the progress I have made. I still have a long way to go, and I need to learn to effectively mother myself more, but I'm a hell of a lot better off without mum than I ever was with her, so I don't understand why she should receive any recognition on this day.

Forever never seems that long until you're grown

Goodness it's a tad chilly tonight.

Puppies are growing rapidly - they are almost all 1.5kgs each - and they're only just over 2 weeks old. Little fatties. Everyone feeding well and Mama is looking good too. I wish I could keep them all. Though give me a couple of weeks more and I'm sure I'll take that back once they're in to EVERYTHING!

Not a lot else going on. First day back at work today after 12 days in a row of freedom. So hard to get up and drag myself in to the office. Not helped by the muppets I work with, and the students we have to deal with. Sometimes I don't hate my job, but I generally can't stand it.

In a month's time I get to go see Michael Buble! Woop woop so excited! Love that handsome son of a gun.I get time with both besties, and some Auckland-friend catch-up time.

Still liking the boy. Still not sure where it's going or what is happening, but feeling easier about it. For this week at least. Who knows where my emotions will take me next week.

I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to feel

The problem with guys is how we let them make us feel.

The reason I try to resist liking guys is because, when the inevitable rejection occurs, it just reaffirms all the shit things I think about myself.

And if they want something physical, it makes you feel less shit about your body. But that's actually worse because instead it makes you doubt everything about who you are as a person.

I don't want to pretend to be anyone but myself when I'm getting to know someone, but at the same time, being who I am doesn't seem to be helping me win....

Late night sadness rant over.

If you feel you're falling won't you let me know

Another week down.

I have the next week off work - I can't wait. I had originally thought I would go down to see my niece, nephew and sister-in-law. But since I went to Auckland last month, and am going to Auckland next month, and bought tickets to Justin Timberlake for later in the year, I can't afford a ferry/road trip down south. Hopefully later in the year.

Instead I have 6 adorable puppies to waste away a week with. Their eyes will be open soon and it will be nice to have cuddles with them before they become terrors.

Guys still confuse me - and mostly I just confuse myself. Trying to just go with the flow.

Might go to Wellington for a day or two next week - want to book in my next tattoo and catch up with a couple of friends. But mostly I will have lazy mornings reading in bed and afternoons filled with animals. Pretty excited about it :)

Sleep with my thoughts, dance with my views

The shock over the surprise arrival of puppies is over and is now becoming a bit exciting. They're so cute. They will be hard work for the next 8 weeks until they can go to new homes - but I miss animals and it will be a worthwhile challenge.

In other aspects of life:

- work is so boring and slow at the moment. But it means I can study for free which lessens the boredom. I think I'm going to do a human nutrition paper next semester for interest and for some real learning. I am doing a creative writing paper at the moment - hopefully that translates to more interesting blog posts eventually. If I write any interesting bits of work I will post them.

- exercise is going by the wayside - I was getting good with regularly walking Maia while Dad was away, but then she went and had puppies. They will keep me on my toes anyway..

- eating is on and off. I have a few really good days and then I crave a spicy chicken burger (damn you Wendy's). But overall it is better than it has been so I will accept the small wins. A couple of kgs down which helps.

Nothing much else to report on. My brother is apparently having a baby with his new girlfriend. Emphasis on the "girl" since she's only about 19 or 20, and he's almost 34. And he has two kids already - a 13yr old girl and a 16 year old boy. They found out about their new step-sibling via the girl's Facebook. My brother lacks both tact and class. It's advanced enough for her to announce it online, but apparently not enough for him to tell his Dad. Makes me so mad. He is so messed up, and if he just took advantage of the fact that me and dad are awesome, he would be so much better off. He's such a wanker. I was going to go down to see my niece and nephew over easter, and I'm not sure I can afford it - but maybe they, and my niece especially, could do with a distraction and some different company. I miss that kid - she is amazing.

Playing with the cat ain't no business for mice

What a crazy week it has been.

I've met a guy that I like. And I remembered how much I dislike being in like with guys. It messes with my head. I'm no good at playing the games that girls are supposed to play. Not when I was younger and not now. If I like someone, I'm no good at playing hard to get and not wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm no good at sitting around waiting to be chased. Ain't nobody got time for that.

But it means that I'm constantly scared of scaring them off. I'm not super available, I don't text all the time. But nor am I busy "washing my hair" or not replying for hours. Ugh. I suck at being a girl.

Anyway. I like him. He gives the world's best cuddles. And is just lovely. Which means it is bound to turn to shit.

In other news - I had a battle with a giant spider, that I eventually won. I ran over, and killed a hare driving home from town last night. It was the first time I've hit a live animal, and if I had been in the car alone I would've pulled over and cried for half an hour. As it was, instead, I had a wee cry when I got home and had nightmares about it all night. It also turns out that it broke a bit of plastic paneling under my car. Stupid rabbit.

And our dog unexpectedly had puppies in the wee hours of last night. We adopted her just under 2 months ago. I knew she had been in heat just before we got her. We had planned on getting her speyed but hadn't gotten around it to it yet (it's a costly business, and she doesn't have exposure to male dogs at our place). She had put on a little bit of weight, and her nipples were bigger last week, but she hid her pregnancy very well. Cue 6 puppies today. Madness.

Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky

Right so it's been a while since I last posted. We have some progress.

The little white pills are helping - I am no longer on the top of the roof. I am still aware of how to get up there, and have the key for the door to the stairs. But the key is firmly in my pocket and I have not been tempted to use it in a wee while (the metaphor is getting weird but I'm running with it still).

I have been going to gigs and generally getting out and enjoying myself - Yay!! Macklemore, and Qotsa/NIN, and Tami Nielson this weekend.

Last week I went up to Auckland and almost loved it. I know that people said it at the time, and I know in my brain that they were right, but now I also know it in my heart. And that is that the main reason behind why I hated Auckland when I last lived up there was because I was generally miserable with life. I was depressed but not doing anything about it other than burying my head in the sand. Admittedly, this time I had lots to do and got to catch up and hang out with some of my favourite people in the world which definitely helped. But it is quite lovely. And it was summertime - I miss the sun! Not at the point of wanting to live there again just yet (although I was told about a vet nursing job that would be awesome), but it's no longer ruled out, and I cant wait to go back up there in May.

I have broken the two year drought - with a casual situation rather than a relationship. Which I think is ideal at this stage. I am still working on getting happy with myself, and that learning to love myself business, and other people will just mess me up. But I am getting there.

I am eating better, and moving a little bit more. If I want junk food I try my best friends trick of thinking how fun it will be to show other people how hot and awesome I am, and then I don't want junk anymore. Well, I do but I choose not to because revenge is sweeter.

Generally, apart from having my down moments, or feeling unbearably lonely on the weekend as I was coming down from my lovely week away, I am doing pretty good.

Everyone wants everything no matter the cost

Right time for an update.

Compared to my last post, I'm still at the top of the building, but I'm more safely ensconced in the centre of the roof and not teetering on the the ledge.

I went to the doctor, and have been given some little white happy pills. They do take 2-3 weeks to kick in, so its still a bit of a process until they take effect (or not, which is also a possibility, in which case we try a different type). One of the turning points to make me realise I had to (aside from comments from my last post), was talking about going to Canada and being more excited about the idea of being eaten by a polar bear than by actually getting to see a polar bear for reals.

I've tried to focus on any small positive that has come my way, but it has still been a shit week.

I went to Wellington last weekend to have a girls night, and to play with the world's greatest dog, which was lovely. And five glasses of wine helped me sleep.

I went for a walk on Tuesday with friends, only to have my lower back so sore that I could only do about half of it before I had to give up. I almost didn't go at all because the thought of being surrounded by so many people (it's a fun-walk event that about 1500 people turn up to) made me start having a panic attack, so that probably didn't help.

Wednesday I went to my friend who does my nails - which was a good perk-me-up type of affair. And she is ending her relationship that she has been unhappy and settled in, so a win for her!

The guy that I liked, who told me that he had been doing some thinking and decided he was better on his own for now, keeps posting things about how he wishes he wasn't single. It makes me want to punch him in the face just a little bit.

Mostly I am still feeling very fat and unattractive, but still not at a point to do something about it. I hate myself, but I also don't care.

Baby steps forward.....

Don't you bury me six feet under ground

Warning - depression ahead. Do not journey onward if you do not want to go for a drive to negativity-town or a plunge into low-self-esteem-ville. This is not a fishing expedition where I search for compliments and platitudes. It just is what it is.

I've just hit a bit of a downward spiral. It happens every so often, sometimes worse than others. Sometimes it's easy enough to pick myself up and dust myself off, while other times it keeps going down until rock bottom becomes scarily close.

At the moment I am somewhere in the middle, but on a definite decline. I'm hoping a rant, and getting things out, will help halt the steep slope.

After losing a fair chunk of weight in 2012, I have now put that back on plus just a little extra, to now weigh the most I ever have in my life. It makes me cry quite regularly. And so very angry at myself. Disappointed. And yet, last time I was around this weight, I had a long-term boyfriend so go figure.... But it might be a good sign of why that didn't work out in the end, given how amazingly shit I feel about myself. It's that thing where I know what I need to do, and yet I don't do it, and then get angry when that ends up with me moving further back in the wrong direction *facepalm*

I feel like possibly one of the least attractive people on the planet. Every so often I can feel pretty, and take a picture (with Instagram filters) for a quick mood-boost, but that only then highlights how much I hate the rest of myself and I end up feeling just as shite all over again. I don't hold out much hope for any guy ever finding me attractive in the near future. What's worse, is that I don't blame that at all, which somehow actually makes me feel worse.

I also feel like no one ever wants to spend time with me. That's not completely true since there are some people that do, and I thank them muchly for that. But there are those with whom I feel like I have to do the chasing. It's a fun part of the start of a relationship, but not so much in a supposedly well-established friendship. Some friends I feel like if I never contacted them, I would actually never see them. (Some I contact and still never get to see them anyway unless I go the extra mile, such as supporting them at gigs or events). And then I feel as though when I do see them, they only hang out with me because I badger them and they feel obliged. And I feel taken for granted and unappreciated by them overall. This shouldn't really surprise me given the way I feel about myself, but maybe I made the mistake of thinking I had unconditional relationships with these people, and yet I am the only one putting in any work. Meh.

Part of me wants to just disappear. A side of me that wonders who would even care. (Turns out depressed me is a bit of poet....). And perhaps that is the reason I don't take care of myself after all. It's all a bit of a catch 22 situation. The improvement in mindset I guess needs to come first, but it all feels kind of hopeless at times.

End of depression rant. And in case anyone reads this and worries, I am actually 'OK'.

It's so hard to win when there's so much to lose

The more I think about it, I realise I really am quite OK being single.

I think about my previous relationship. If I had really wanted to get married and have kids, I could be there already. If I had stuck with it, I would have got the ring, and a wedding, and be on my way to the children zone as well. You'd think achieving a dream would bring happiness too, but that's not always the case. There comes a time when you have to realise exactly what it is that you are after, and refine your dream that little bit further, to make sure you get an outcome that you can live with long term.

Rather than just 'I want to get married and have a family', that has been refined to include the caveat "with the right person". What is the point of getting what you want, if it's not actually all that you could dream of? If it only makes you happy for a minute, or not at all, and is something you then have to live with forever? Sure you can get divorced, but if me and J had had kids, he would have been a part of my life for the rest of my foreseeable life. I, for one, am quite glad that didn't happen. We would both be miserable, and resent the hell out of each other. And who wants to live in that environment?

Deciding to end our relationship was by far the toughest decision I have ever made. Choosing to put your own happiness ahead of someone else's is not easy at all. It feels selfish, and for someone like me who doesn't like people not liking me, having someone hate you is really difficult. Especially since we lived together for another few weeks after me calling it off.

He is happy with someone else now. Part of me is jealous of this, and more than just a little bit envious, but I wouldn't go back there even if you paid me.

When I was younger (about 17?), a friend of mine (who is my "mum" in the absence of a real mum), was engaged and planning a wedding. I asked if she was happy and she said she was 'OK'. To which I went into a rant about how OK is not OK, and sure there are times when OK is OK, but in the end, OK is not good, and do you just want your life to be 'ok'? Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an 'ok' relationship? (I was a pretty smart kid...)

I get it. There are people who are genuinely scared of being alone. I have one friend who is in a relationship with someone who loved someone else, but she can't be on her own, so at least that was better than being without. And other friends that seem to be staying put where they are because they are not sure if there is actually anything better out there, or because starting over is too much hard work.

Being alone can suck. At times it is awful and lonely and it makes you depressed as a mother fucker. But being with someone who doesn't make you happy, and who you don't make that happy in return, is way more depressing. The idea of that genuinely makes me want to jump off a cliff.

DO NOT SETTLE!! Maybe I am idealistic. Maybe too many books and movies make my expectations way too high and ridiculous. But there has got to be some wiggle room between 'OK' and 'amazing', and I am not settling for less than at least 'good'.

Boy don't you turn into a sad ol' kid like me

I opened this up, and spent so long finding a lyric for the title, that now I might have forgotten what I was going to write in the first place.....

In the early hours of Saturday morning I met my dream man (pun intended). I remember he was tall, and possibly blond, but the main thing that stood out was a beautiful 2 door Impala wagon. Makes me wonder about my priorities. Or is it because good cars are easier to find than good men? I do also remember telling him that his car was pretty, and quickly replacing it with handsome to ease the disgruntled look on his face.

Dad and I are going to a hot rod thing in a couple of weeks. I've warned him to be on the look out for gorgeous Impala wagons that may be driven by tall good looking men. He may have just rolled his eyes at me.....

On Friday night we went to a Tami Neilson gig in Paekak (small town, concert held in a town church hall, BYO food and drink). It was amazing. She has the most clear voice, is pitch perfect, and gives me goosebumps every time I see/listen to her (about half a dozen gigs now). The show was with her parents who are over from Canada and they are just such an incredible family. I was in a bit of a grump pre-show due to being post-PMS-ing, and still angry at men, and feeling a bit left out in life in general. But music has such a wonderful impact and left me feeling much happier and positive over all for the rest of the weekend.

The rest of said weekend was dreaming about men in beautiful cars, cuddling Diesel, and catching up on watching online TV shows and movies. Nice and chilled and relaxed and nothing too strenuous.

My plan for this week - another 3km walk (then the following week will attempt the 7km), hit the gym at least once, get a few walks in out at the beach, and clean up my eating. My food habits have been shit so far this year, with a bit of a lack of vegetables. I like eating paleo but miss dairy products, so will aim for a more primal slant to things to allow for cheese and a bit of raw milk. I know that the first week will be hell - coming down off of sugar and carbs is not the most fun thing to do - but necessary.

After all that, I still don't remember the primary point for writing, but if it's important it's bound to come back to me at some point.....

I'm a little bit rusty and I think my head is caving in

I have been convinced that in May I am going to walk a half marathon in Rotorua. This week I did my first 3km training walk. I've got 4 months to get up to walking 21km, and I am pretty optimistic I must say....

I also want to do an obstacle run. There is the Tough Guy/Gal challenge on in Palmerston North this year. It just happens to be on my birthday. Rather than seeing that as an excuse not to do it, I have decided it is the perfect reason to do it. I mean, who doesn't want to run through mud and swamps on their birthday right? That is a 6km run also, so currently I am slowly training up for that. Just general fitness and walks to begin with. I'm not a runner and may never be.

Aside from that, it's a bit of a poopy week. The dreaded time of the month has arrived, bringing with it some of the worst cramps I've had in ages, and just a touch of vomiting. Good times. I am definitely coming back as a male in my next life. Or at least as someone with a kinder uterus.

I also just emotionally feel like shite. Sadly, the cause is those freaking males again. Well, partly that and partly my own fucked-up-ness. I have been flirty bantering back and forth with a guy for over a month, and it is never going to come to anything, which makes me both sad and angry. I have been single for over 2 years now, and it has been just under that since I have had any physical affection (some would just call this sex - I don't really have the capacity for clever synonyms today). And along comes a guy I met out one night, who then started messaging me and it got rather hot a few times, and we talked about it needing to become a reality instead of just words. But this week I am house sitting and, when he was offered the opportunity and declined, I realised perhaps he was just a gobshite after all. Men. So it made me sad because I was starting to quite like him, despite not spending much actual time with him. And sad and mad because I wanted affection as well as needing to get laid. And then sadder because I have decided it is not anything to do with his own state (which due to the loss of a family member is in a bit of disarray) but is of course because I am not actually sexually attractive. Not to myself, so why would I be to anyone else.

It comes and goes in waves. I think the times I feel ok about is more just to do with being the same times that I don't really think about it. And any little setback is enough to throw me off the edge. Even more reason to be single for a while since it can be stressful to battle with that at the start of a new relationship - both to me and the other party. But then being single just adds to it too. Silly little mind games that we play with ourselves.

That's not as big as what's flown around here

So I've made it through the first week back at work for 2014. Phew. 1 down, about 51 more to go.....

Have had a pretty good week. Made it to the gym one day, and made it through the following couple of days of DOMS. Have been waking up at 6am each day and staying awake, resisting the snooze button. I've even gotten to work early each day!! Been for a few walks out at the beach too - the combination of fresh air, open space and the ocean is pretty amazing - good for my soul. Want to make that more regular if only for the feel-goods, even aside from the exercise factor.

Next week's goal is to get back on track with breakfasts and taking lunches to work, as I only managed both once this week. Routines can be hard to re-develop. And to get to bed earlier.

Trying to make the most of work and not hate it so much. It's not my dream job, it's not ideal, but it is a means to an end - polar bears and aurora borealis await me at the end of the year. I have enrolled in a couple of papers this year since staff members get free study. A creative writing paper, and two japanese language ones, since it has been some time and I have forgotten most of it and would like to pick it back up.

Embracing my single-dom and even enjoying it. It can be lonely, but I'm not currently prepared to put up with anyone else's shit - got enough of my own to deal with first, and I do not plan on being derailed on my way to the top....

Come close, lay next to me

A friend shared with me this blog the other day, that I really related to. I have got to a point where I enjoy being single - I don't have to answer to anyone or worry about what anyone else does or doesn't want to do, or how to best fit in with their plans. But it can also be cripplingly lonely. I have been single for about 2 years now. In that time there has been one person that I slept with, and it was fairly awful....

I miss having someone to spoon and snuggle with in bed while listening to the rain outside. I miss having someone to share small details with, or to do things with. I am at that point where pretty much (almost) everyone else in my life has someone. And while sometimes it is almost a blessing because I hear their tales of drama and woe and count myself lucky that I don't have to put up with anyone else's baggage but my own, it does have it's sucky moments.

So the blog post struck a chord with me, especially at this time of year. And you DO feel like a bit of a loser for even caring that you're single. But I can stay in bed all day if I want. I don't have to share Christmas between two families, or any of that nonsense.

I went for a walk on the beach today, and while it was the moment of clarity or insight that the writer experienced, it does make me feel a bit more grounded. It clears the cobwebs away from my tiny little mind. I love the ocean. For me it has always been that calming influence, or that thing that speaks to me and makes me feel like I have a place in the world where I belong. And there was that moment where I felt like it would be nice to be taking that walk with someone special, but it was nice to have a moment all to myself and my thoughts, no matter how crazy they might be.

In other news - boys ARE the devil. And I need to stop letting them have so much power over my thoughts and feelings, and letting them determine how I feel about myself. It was a 'he's just not that into you' moment last night which made me teary, and then gave me just a little bit more resolve in this journey to learning how freaking awesome I am.