I am exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
I don't know if it is just 6 months of a demanding job and stupidly long hours catching up with me. Combined with uncertainty about whether this is even the right job for me, let alone the career, and what the heck I want to be doing with my life. I used to love vet nursing, and I thought getting back into the industry was what I wanted. But this job does not seem to be the right one for me - maybe I just can't hack the stress of emergency care, or the fact that the cases are all critical and it gets depressing with the amount we can't fix/help/etc. I never thought I was a people person (I don't like people), but I do actually miss building up relationships with clients, although mostly with their animals, and getting follow through rather than just seeing them while they are really sick, before they go back to their own referring clinic.
At the moment, I sleep badly at night. If its a day off, I tend to fall asleep halfway through the day for a nap. Or when working, fall asleep on the couch after work. And then I can't get to sleep until late, and sleep badly at night. And the cycle continues. I am just tired all of the time.
I went to a wedding last weekend. The day before I tried on the dresses I was considering wearing, only to find that none of them fit any more. I went and found on last minute (phew!). But the wedding photos came out a few days ago and made me cry - I knew I was big, and I knew I had put on weight lately, but it was quite the wake up call. I guess I generally look at myself only half a body at a time, so a full length photo didn't help. The photo had a mix of slim and bigger people, so it wasn't just that I look huge compared to the tiny people, but also compared to people I thought were a similar size to me. Horrendous.
So I am telling myself that these will great "before" photos when I get to where I want to be. But that also feels utterly hopeless. I don't have the energy to cook and eat well or exercise. I know that doing those will make me feel better and have more energy, but it's all just a vicious cycle that seems far too hard right now.
I feel stuck. I'm pretty sure, that similar to when I moved from Wellington to Auckland and back again, that moving cities/jobs/etc doesn't actually help when I am unhappy within myself. But unsatisfying surroundings are demotivating.
At the moment, I need to try to make the most of living in this lovely house/environment for the next 5 months. Although that even has its problems - Diesel hates one of the cats here, and I have had enough of their constant yowling and fighting, and him being covered in scratches :( So he will move back to Dads for the meantime. I feel mean for giving him up when I am living with other cats - it feels like I am "cheating" on him. But I also feel guilty for moving him here where he seems to both love and hate it.
However, make the most of this house and freedom and independence. Try to last out this job for the next 5 months - I can build up my skills, it will help my CV to stick in the job for longer, and in the meantime, brainstorm about what I want to be doing (primary school teaching keeps coming to the front of my mind - but then retraining AGAIN feels ridiculous.....).
