This is something I've been thinking about the last little while, so thought I'd write it out to see if it makes any more sense....
One thing I've noticed, especially in the last few years ('few' being subjective, and could possibly mean anything from 1 - 10 years), is how I react to interactions with guys.
I think that I spent a lot of my life, more so after I started high school, being teased by boys. I started gaining weight around this time, and high school is not a very forgiving time for someone who's chubby. I did have a strong male influence in my life in the form of my Dad, but that was pretty much it. My male cousins are pretty awesome, but we didn't spend a lot of time around them either.
At school, I was teased. Not by everyone, but by enough that it made quite the impact. And when I got home, I had my brother's taunting to deal with. In fact, I also recently re-met a guy from high school who partook in this - and I'm glad to report he is still a total douchebag...
Anyway. What's happened from this is that now, if a guy is nice to me or engages in friendly conversation or some such thing, I automatically start to read into it a little bit more. Only if they are single mind you, or I have no idea of their status (I've no intention of being a home wrecker). I'm just used to guys only talking to me in order to be horrible to me (even if it is from over 10 years ago), that anyone lovely takes me by surprise. And then my 'what-if?' kicks in and thinks that more could be going on, and that maybe they're interested. Experience tells me that 99% of the time, this is not the case, but apparently that doesn't mean much to my wayward imagination. My low self-confidence does eventually kick in and tell me not to be so silly, but for that day (or so) I have a lovely time in my head wondering about what could happen.
I really must remember that I'm now a grown up (debatable, but technically it's true since I'm almost 30), that inter-gender friendships are possible without any other agenda, and that people generally aren't as arsehole-ish as they were in high school (and it wasn't all of them after all).
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
If I hadn't assembled myself I'd have fallen apart by now
So this morning I did something for the very first time. Cross Fit.
From websites such as Nerd Fitness, and some blogs I follow, I've been hearing/reading loads about it for the last year. In my mind, its one of those things that I will give a go once I've lost a considerable amount of weight. That why, Ill be more likely to actually be able to do the workouts, and not feel totally out of place.
I've never been an overly fit or sporty person. As a kid I played netball, but I never really went out of my way to do exercise, and I've never felt at ease with any kind of physical activity - less so as I've gotten older.
I heard about a local cross fit gym from some people in a meetup group - they went to an intro day and loved it and ended up joining. And every time they've had intro classes since, it has been a weekend where I have been away up at Dads. So this time, I knew I was going to be in town, and decided to sign up.
In the last week leading up to it, I have almost emailed to cancel approximately 10 times. So nervous. Worried that I won't be able to do it, and worried that people will judge me or laugh at me I suppose to. (Admittedly, I don't think I've had anyone actually laugh at me at a gym before, but I do often feel judged - though surely the fact that I am a fat girl who does go to the gym should give me some credit!!).
What actually happened was quite something else.
Yes the workout was hard. They did help me out with options so that I wouldn't die, and mostly so that I could actually complete the workout (i.e. instead of doing box jumps onto a box that's knee height, which I could have maybe done 1 or 2 of, I had a stack of two large weight plates). We did some warm ups, and a 200m jog to the corner and back. And then the WOD (workout of the day). We did three sets of exercises ("box" jumps, push ups and lunges, with a different (decreasing) number of reps each time, and at the end of each set was the 200m jog. By the end of the first set, I was fucked. I jogged maybe 1/3 of the way, and had to walk to the rest of my 200m, and the other two times I had to just walk it. I was knackered. But I did finish it. And this is where it gets awesome. During my 2nd, and definitely my 3rd set, the few regulars from the gym were clapping and cheering us on. I heard my name being called out a few times. On my last walk, one of the ladies came out and walked it with me. When I came back in (lucky last), people were clapping and cheering. It was a pretty awesome feeling. Another woman pulled me aside and told me how proud she was of me, and how impressed she was that I had come along and done it - she had started in a similar state at the beginning of the year. She had me tearing up (admittedly, that can be pretty easy to do but not usually with complete strangers).
They were amazing. The most encouraging group of people. I have never felt so accepted before in a sport/fitness setting.
Unfortunately, it costs a lot and I still have a gym membership to see out already. But if I am staying in Wellington, then I will definitely be going back there. And at the very least, I know what I can do, and this should give me the drive to push myself harder at my regular gym classes.
Imagine, a fat kid like me, feeling at home in a gym setting. WTF?!
From websites such as Nerd Fitness, and some blogs I follow, I've been hearing/reading loads about it for the last year. In my mind, its one of those things that I will give a go once I've lost a considerable amount of weight. That why, Ill be more likely to actually be able to do the workouts, and not feel totally out of place.
I've never been an overly fit or sporty person. As a kid I played netball, but I never really went out of my way to do exercise, and I've never felt at ease with any kind of physical activity - less so as I've gotten older.
I heard about a local cross fit gym from some people in a meetup group - they went to an intro day and loved it and ended up joining. And every time they've had intro classes since, it has been a weekend where I have been away up at Dads. So this time, I knew I was going to be in town, and decided to sign up.
In the last week leading up to it, I have almost emailed to cancel approximately 10 times. So nervous. Worried that I won't be able to do it, and worried that people will judge me or laugh at me I suppose to. (Admittedly, I don't think I've had anyone actually laugh at me at a gym before, but I do often feel judged - though surely the fact that I am a fat girl who does go to the gym should give me some credit!!).
What actually happened was quite something else.
Yes the workout was hard. They did help me out with options so that I wouldn't die, and mostly so that I could actually complete the workout (i.e. instead of doing box jumps onto a box that's knee height, which I could have maybe done 1 or 2 of, I had a stack of two large weight plates). We did some warm ups, and a 200m jog to the corner and back. And then the WOD (workout of the day). We did three sets of exercises ("box" jumps, push ups and lunges, with a different (decreasing) number of reps each time, and at the end of each set was the 200m jog. By the end of the first set, I was fucked. I jogged maybe 1/3 of the way, and had to walk to the rest of my 200m, and the other two times I had to just walk it. I was knackered. But I did finish it. And this is where it gets awesome. During my 2nd, and definitely my 3rd set, the few regulars from the gym were clapping and cheering us on. I heard my name being called out a few times. On my last walk, one of the ladies came out and walked it with me. When I came back in (lucky last), people were clapping and cheering. It was a pretty awesome feeling. Another woman pulled me aside and told me how proud she was of me, and how impressed she was that I had come along and done it - she had started in a similar state at the beginning of the year. She had me tearing up (admittedly, that can be pretty easy to do but not usually with complete strangers).
They were amazing. The most encouraging group of people. I have never felt so accepted before in a sport/fitness setting.
Unfortunately, it costs a lot and I still have a gym membership to see out already. But if I am staying in Wellington, then I will definitely be going back there. And at the very least, I know what I can do, and this should give me the drive to push myself harder at my regular gym classes.
Imagine, a fat kid like me, feeling at home in a gym setting. WTF?!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Well I've got wisdom but I still don't got a clue
I made some big claims last week. Am I keeping them? Uh, not so much.
I've been to the gym twice. I've brought lunch to work twice. I've played the guitar zilch times. I've turned my computer off by 10pm a few times.
On the flip side - I was a bit sick last week, and I've had a wee bit of a life. I had a seminar at the zoo. I went to a couple of gigs. I spent a lot of time perving at sexy men at said gigs.
I'm struggling to get to the gym - despite how much I usually enjoy it. I'm not sure if Pump is just not as fun (and that's the class that's on at the most convenient times, and the one I feel like I SHOULD be going to in terms of how much I will get out of it).
Going to gigs both makes me want to pick up the guitar to learn it, and discourages me by making me think I will never be as good as the guys I saw playing on stage... I definitely do want to attempt it anyway :)
I knew I would spend the shows lusting after sexy men - at least one in particular. It did leave me feeling somewhat disheartened though. Mostly because, they are my type. Sexy musicians are probably most peoples' type to be fair, but there really is something about them. And these ones have beards and were a bit alternative, which was even more appealing. The disheartening think is the realisation that I am not their type. I guess even more so since they can have whatever girls they want. Personality wise, I could fit them really well. But appearances wise, they don't tend to look twice at me. Meh.
At times, I feel like I'm not any ones type. My best friend will point out that I've been people's types plenty of times before and they have been my type at some point. But in hindsight, only 2 of the guys I've been with, have been people I was actually initially attracted to. A couple of been people that I've been with because I was feeling lonely and had no better prospects. It's a bit sad really.....
I've been to the gym twice. I've brought lunch to work twice. I've played the guitar zilch times. I've turned my computer off by 10pm a few times.
On the flip side - I was a bit sick last week, and I've had a wee bit of a life. I had a seminar at the zoo. I went to a couple of gigs. I spent a lot of time perving at sexy men at said gigs.
I'm struggling to get to the gym - despite how much I usually enjoy it. I'm not sure if Pump is just not as fun (and that's the class that's on at the most convenient times, and the one I feel like I SHOULD be going to in terms of how much I will get out of it).
Going to gigs both makes me want to pick up the guitar to learn it, and discourages me by making me think I will never be as good as the guys I saw playing on stage... I definitely do want to attempt it anyway :)
I knew I would spend the shows lusting after sexy men - at least one in particular. It did leave me feeling somewhat disheartened though. Mostly because, they are my type. Sexy musicians are probably most peoples' type to be fair, but there really is something about them. And these ones have beards and were a bit alternative, which was even more appealing. The disheartening think is the realisation that I am not their type. I guess even more so since they can have whatever girls they want. Personality wise, I could fit them really well. But appearances wise, they don't tend to look twice at me. Meh.
At times, I feel like I'm not any ones type. My best friend will point out that I've been people's types plenty of times before and they have been my type at some point. But in hindsight, only 2 of the guys I've been with, have been people I was actually initially attracted to. A couple of been people that I've been with because I was feeling lonely and had no better prospects. It's a bit sad really.....
Friday, May 3, 2013
Sick and uninspired by the diamonds in your fire
Headachesville. Population: me.
Since ending up in hospital last year, headaches freak me out a lot more than they used to. Hate them with a hateness. It does mean that when I get one, I automatically drink more water, and I do take tablets to make it go away instead of trying to tough it out. This one isn't leaving though - had it since yesterday.
Now if it could just disappear so that I can go watch hot bearded men make music tonight, I would be very grateful.
Since ending up in hospital last year, headaches freak me out a lot more than they used to. Hate them with a hateness. It does mean that when I get one, I automatically drink more water, and I do take tablets to make it go away instead of trying to tough it out. This one isn't leaving though - had it since yesterday.
Now if it could just disappear so that I can go watch hot bearded men make music tonight, I would be very grateful.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Must I dream and always see your face
You know when you stay at someone else's house, in their lounge or their spare room. And there's one of those clocks that's all unassuming by day but by night, it takes over some amplification superpower and all you can hear is the sound of it's ticking? That may accurately describe my biological clock at the moment. Except this one I can't just hide in a drawer or a wardrobe.
That's what I'm blaming my current obsession to men on anyway.
I do love men usually, don't get me wrong. But lately, it's like a ninja focus. I can't think about much else, and it appears I don't talk about much else either.
Walking down the street with a friend a few weeks back, telling her a story, and there was a very attractive man on the side of the road waiting to cross, who appeared to have just left the gym, still wearing a singlet, and arms that could belong to Thor (ok not really that big, but you get the point). At this point, I was so busy looking at him that I fell silent and then could not even see my train of thought, let alone retrieve it. I almost stopped in the street, my head doing near 180 so I could keep looking at him.
Another friend, who works in the cafe downstairs at work. I talk to her every few days. I have been watching a fair amount of movies lately, and it appears the only review that I give on them is whether or not the actors in it are hot. I don't know if I even describe anything about the movie other than 'it was alright, and "insert hot actors name here" is in it which is a good enough reason to see it. Pretty much every time I talk to her. When I went to see Evil Dead, my review was based on the large amount of pierced and tattooed men in the audience (A LOT - it was like heaven, with a horror movie thrown in).
Watching the X Factor - I focus on how hot the contestants are. Surely that's more important than their talent? 30 is the right age to officially be a cougar right?
I did take comfort in the fact that at the Danny Bhoy show the other night (who, incidentally, is very attractive), that my cousin was the first to scour the crowd for the most attractive man to perve at while waiting for the show to start (and I am very grateful that she pointed him out to me. Again, he was of muscly arms...).
I am going to the Gunslinger's Ball tomorrow night - partly because I love the music and the vibe. Partly for the attractive men in the bands. In fact, it's probably a 50/50 ratio...
It is ridiculous. I have always loved men. I have always enjoyed looking at them (and once took a friend's class during an entire semester of Uni, rather than attending my own classes, due to the shoulders of a guy that sat in front of her/us). But this is almost getting to be a bit much.
Admittedly, my current dry spell is lasting a lot longer than a regular NZ summer drought - it's been a year. That's a long time. But I've been longer before without falling weak at the mere sight of a man. It's getting difficult to even function (ok that's an exaggeration, but it is definitely very distracting!).
That's what I'm blaming my current obsession to men on anyway.
I do love men usually, don't get me wrong. But lately, it's like a ninja focus. I can't think about much else, and it appears I don't talk about much else either.
Walking down the street with a friend a few weeks back, telling her a story, and there was a very attractive man on the side of the road waiting to cross, who appeared to have just left the gym, still wearing a singlet, and arms that could belong to Thor (ok not really that big, but you get the point). At this point, I was so busy looking at him that I fell silent and then could not even see my train of thought, let alone retrieve it. I almost stopped in the street, my head doing near 180 so I could keep looking at him.
Another friend, who works in the cafe downstairs at work. I talk to her every few days. I have been watching a fair amount of movies lately, and it appears the only review that I give on them is whether or not the actors in it are hot. I don't know if I even describe anything about the movie other than 'it was alright, and "insert hot actors name here" is in it which is a good enough reason to see it. Pretty much every time I talk to her. When I went to see Evil Dead, my review was based on the large amount of pierced and tattooed men in the audience (A LOT - it was like heaven, with a horror movie thrown in).
Watching the X Factor - I focus on how hot the contestants are. Surely that's more important than their talent? 30 is the right age to officially be a cougar right?
I did take comfort in the fact that at the Danny Bhoy show the other night (who, incidentally, is very attractive), that my cousin was the first to scour the crowd for the most attractive man to perve at while waiting for the show to start (and I am very grateful that she pointed him out to me. Again, he was of muscly arms...).
I am going to the Gunslinger's Ball tomorrow night - partly because I love the music and the vibe. Partly for the attractive men in the bands. In fact, it's probably a 50/50 ratio...
It is ridiculous. I have always loved men. I have always enjoyed looking at them (and once took a friend's class during an entire semester of Uni, rather than attending my own classes, due to the shoulders of a guy that sat in front of her/us). But this is almost getting to be a bit much.
Admittedly, my current dry spell is lasting a lot longer than a regular NZ summer drought - it's been a year. That's a long time. But I've been longer before without falling weak at the mere sight of a man. It's getting difficult to even function (ok that's an exaggeration, but it is definitely very distracting!).
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
I love to feel love but I can't stand the rejection
I realised this morning that by setting myself a goal of writing a little something every day, these are going to end up being somewhat boring posts. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to do it. I'm just apologising in advance...
Last night I got to hang out with my extended family (on my Dad's side), along with my Dad. We had dinner and then went to a comedy show (Danny Bhoy - he is hilarious. And hot).
When I was growing up we spent less time with Dad's side of the family, and more time with Mum's. And now (thanks partly to the magic of Facebook), it's this side of the family I am closest to. It could also be because Mum is batshit crazy, and my Uncle, who we visited most often, crashed and burned and exited this world. I still talk to those cousins on FB, and see them every so often, but it's not as cosy. On the flip side, Dad's family is awesome, and his siblings themselves are still close (with the exception of everyone's least favourite), which helps knit it all together. My cousins are simply hilarious. They (the two families) are all so close that I sometimes feel a bit like the black sheep, or the outsider. But I am slowly overcoming this the more time we actually get to spend together.
Last night I got to hang out with my extended family (on my Dad's side), along with my Dad. We had dinner and then went to a comedy show (Danny Bhoy - he is hilarious. And hot).
When I was growing up we spent less time with Dad's side of the family, and more time with Mum's. And now (thanks partly to the magic of Facebook), it's this side of the family I am closest to. It could also be because Mum is batshit crazy, and my Uncle, who we visited most often, crashed and burned and exited this world. I still talk to those cousins on FB, and see them every so often, but it's not as cosy. On the flip side, Dad's family is awesome, and his siblings themselves are still close (with the exception of everyone's least favourite), which helps knit it all together. My cousins are simply hilarious. They (the two families) are all so close that I sometimes feel a bit like the black sheep, or the outsider. But I am slowly overcoming this the more time we actually get to spend together.
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