The mind is a very, very tricky and sneaky little thing. It really is the biggest hurdle to overcome when wanting to make any changes.
On the one hand, I am miserable. I hate being this big. I hate feeling this way about myself, and being disgusting when I see myself and realise how big I have become. I almost made excuses yesterday as to why I could not go and spend time with family members, because I am embarrassed about how much weight I have put on in the last couple of years since I last saw my cousin and his partner.
And yet, after adopting a better lifestyle for the last two weeks (not too rigid), I weighed myself on the weekend and I had lost 2kgs. You'd think I would be excited right? I was. And then I almost sort of panicked. That's not the right word for it, but I don't know how to describe it. Rather than, woohoo this is working and let's keep going, it was more, oh shit really, now what do I do?
I think I am scared of losing the weight and being successful. I don't know if it is because I don't feel like I don't deserve it (reaching a goal and being proud or happy with myself), or if it is just that I have been fat for so long that I don't know how to be anything else, or who I will be if I lose the weight? Or have I just been using my weight as an excuse for so long, as to why I can't do things, that it scares me to no longer have it is a crutch or a reason? I don't even know.
I spend time last week with my friend and her adorable 5 month old baby, and then with my cousin and his almost 2 year old little girl. I want kids. So much so that it almost hurts. And I know I need to lose weight to get there. And yet that is not motivation. Am I scared of being a shite mother? Or that I will have fertility issues and it would be easier to forgo that heartache? Or still, afraid of being happy and having what I want?
Getting healthy and losing weight in order to be healthy and live longer and whatnot doesn't seem to work.
Or is it just that this slow torturous form of suicide is still exactly what I want? I had thought that I was past that, since there's so many things I want to do and see. But perhaps that is overwhelming too.
Too many thoughts going on in this crazy head of mine....
