I am having a confidence crisis. In almost areas of my life.
I eat well for a few days or a week, and then I am convinced
that I will fail, or that it won’t make any difference in my life even if I did
succeed, and I give up and go back to bad habits.
I hate my job, but it is comfortable and I feel like I will
never get a vet nursing job, because I have never had a full nursing job before
and I no longer have half the skills required, and no one wants to take on a
nurse who needs retraining in some areas. And I feel like I am crap at the job
so it is easier to stay in a job I am good at that I don’t give a fuck about,
rather than risk failing at something I want.
I think I am scared of going to Canada because it means so
much to me, and I keep sabotaging my own saving efforts, because I don’t think
I can hack it.
I feel like I have to be the one to initiate hanging out
with friends a majority of the time, and then that they only spend time with me
because I badger them into it. I think this is why I don’t have many friends
anymore – is because I am so sure they are happy to be without me that I stop
putting much effort in. They also don’t put in the effort but I know I am
mostly to blame.
I want to get fitter and stronger, not just to lose weight,
but to feel like I would do better at vet nursing or zoo jobs, but I am so
convinced that I am shit at it that I give up in that area too.
I thought I was doing better. Some days I am.
I have a vet nursing interview next week. I almost want to
cancel since I am sure I won’t get it anyway that I don’t see what the point
is. How can I work in a teaching hospital if I need to be taught myself?
Step one: acknowledgement - achieved!
ReplyDeleteLook at you! You are all over this, you know what is going on, what is going wrong and why (though I suspect you need to look a little more deeply at the eating (or perhaps you simplified for the sake of brevity)).
Step two: recognise that step one is the most difficult step, and most people never actually manage that much self awareness, so they can never address their problems... (this should be quite easy for you, I just spelled it out for you and you are very smart).
Step three: start addressing your problems by telling people about them. Achieved!
Ok, you managed step three without even realising there WAS a step two because you are AMAZING!
Step four: organised plans for addressing problems. Can't save money? Automatic payment that goes into an online only account the day your pay comes in. Feel like you are the initiator of hang-outs? Accept that you are Pink, and the party doesn't start till you get there (also, people with kids and to a lesser degree partners tend to become a bit ostrachish about their lives - they NEED you!). Want to be less concerned about your body? Find an exercise that works for you, maybe buy some weights and do lifts before you go to work or before dinner 3 days a week, in the safety of your own home. Even 10 minutes will do you heaps of good, you don't have to do hours and hours if you don't have time, any exercise is more than none. So many people can't commit to the 30min a day or whatever so they do none. Staying on the healthy food wagon? You could try removing temptation - no junk food in the house, if you buy fast food on the way home from work then don't take eftpos to work etc, or you could try external accountability - put all your food into a food diary or a calorie counting app (and if that doesn't discourage you from buying bad food, the calorie apps will let you opt to share your eating with your friends so they can see you being bad to really make you steal your resolve). Lost your confidence? Have a little faith, or borrow some of mine. You don't need to be re-taught, it isn't lack of knowledge, you may be rusty but you do already have the skill set and the knowledge and the muscle memory and it will come back (and I'd recommend re-reading that old material to get those neural pathways woken back up again). And just as importantly you have good work ethic and character so you'd be a good addition to their team.
I had a feeling this post was coming, you haven't posted for 2 months, and for some reason that seems to correlate with you slowly losing faith in yourself, and then self sabotaging. From an outside perspective these problems all pretty much boil down to that really. Except the eating/exercising, which I think might be a little more complicated, but I still think you can fix once you nail down your triggers.
I love you, and I hope you enjoyed your bubble bath!
A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. ~ John Augustus Shedd (probably, the net is a bit vague about it)
DeleteI like your quote.
DeleteYeah I had been feeling unsettled for a couple of weeks and then it hit me that it was that I dont feel like I have the confidence or ability to do anything I want to do, let alone need to do.
As Hayley has reminded me, winter is hard. Its dark and cold and I dont want to do anything. I have a plan to sort Dads place out a bit so that I have room to do exercise before or after work. I am also going to find a good yoga place as I like stretching and getting stronger, and it is relaxing and good meditationy stuff too.
The bubble bath was ok, except for the tears and the feeling awful. But relaxing and warm
You're one of my bestest friends, and I wish you knew how awesome you are!
ReplyDeleteAre you still having counseling sessions? Maybe that could be useful?
With habits remember to start out small, focus on one change at a time and don't forget that everyone sucks at things until they have enough practice under their belt to be good at it. You just don't get to see them being crap at things, mostly.
This includes self-esteem, that shit takes a helluva lot of practice.
You're going to rock that interview, they'll love you! <3
xoxoxo
p.s. bubble bath = excellent idea! I'm going to follow your example. :D
Thank you.
DeleteNo I havent been - but I plan to catch up with Jo this week for a proper talk - especially regards my razor attraction.
Self-esteem and confidence is harder than external stuff really.
I figure I will just be myself at the interview - can't do much else. If they dont like it, then perhaps I wouldnt fit there anyway.