You drove me nearly out of my head while you never shed a tear

So today was my very very first time using a ride on lawnmower (other than a short tutorial in how to use it). And so you'd think I'd be forgiven for not being perfect at it first time out. Instead, I berate and belittle myself for not being amazing the first time out. Just little things like not being able to get the catcher to work properly (which I did manage to rectify), and the engine cutting out on the slightly too long grass in some areas, and then getting a flat tyre. So then I am convinced that I suck and am no good at anything.

Thanks mum.

I do recall my mum's favourite saying to me (or at least the one that stands out most) was that I was "useless as tits on a bull". Even if it was my first time doing something, if I wasn't great at it straight away, she would get frustrated and speak the above golden words. Which is why now, I hate trying new things, mostly because I'm worried that I won't be perfect at them. And nearly no one is perfect at anything the first time they try them out. But yet, I can't seem to give myself a break.

I do think about if it was someone else in the same shoes. I would tell them they are being silly for expecting to not make any mistakes the first time they do something. But we are our own worst critics, especially when you have been brought up with that same criticism by one of the people that is supposed to love and support you unconditionally.

I know that she had the shittiest upbringing with way worse parents that I have ever known, but that still doesn't make it okay. At some point, someone needs to break the cycle. I promise I will. First I just have to start with myself, and forgive myself if I make some mistakes along the way...