The mind is a very, very tricky and sneaky little thing. It really is the biggest hurdle to overcome when wanting to make any changes.
On the one hand, I am miserable. I hate being this big. I hate feeling this way about myself, and being disgusting when I see myself and realise how big I have become. I almost made excuses yesterday as to why I could not go and spend time with family members, because I am embarrassed about how much weight I have put on in the last couple of years since I last saw my cousin and his partner.
And yet, after adopting a better lifestyle for the last two weeks (not too rigid), I weighed myself on the weekend and I had lost 2kgs. You'd think I would be excited right? I was. And then I almost sort of panicked. That's not the right word for it, but I don't know how to describe it. Rather than, woohoo this is working and let's keep going, it was more, oh shit really, now what do I do?
I think I am scared of losing the weight and being successful. I don't know if it is because I don't feel like I don't deserve it (reaching a goal and being proud or happy with myself), or if it is just that I have been fat for so long that I don't know how to be anything else, or who I will be if I lose the weight? Or have I just been using my weight as an excuse for so long, as to why I can't do things, that it scares me to no longer have it is a crutch or a reason? I don't even know.
I spend time last week with my friend and her adorable 5 month old baby, and then with my cousin and his almost 2 year old little girl. I want kids. So much so that it almost hurts. And I know I need to lose weight to get there. And yet that is not motivation. Am I scared of being a shite mother? Or that I will have fertility issues and it would be easier to forgo that heartache? Or still, afraid of being happy and having what I want?
Getting healthy and losing weight in order to be healthy and live longer and whatnot doesn't seem to work.
Or is it just that this slow torturous form of suicide is still exactly what I want? I had thought that I was past that, since there's so many things I want to do and see. But perhaps that is overwhelming too.
Too many thoughts going on in this crazy head of mine....
I honest to goodness think you may be using our mindset to hold you back. Whilst you are having success in the change of life, the evil candi in your head is the one that is steam rolling you, telling you that you don't deserve the success. It is so so important to realise that this is your inner demon talking. She is the one who will hold you back, but that is because you have been feeding her.
ReplyDeleteAs the great saying goes from the Cherokees....
" "A fight is going on inside me," the chief said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.
"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"
The old chief simply replied,
"The one you feed."
This is so true and you have to start believing that you are worth it, you are awesome, you are loved and you would be the awesomest mum ever (man, as long as you don't feed them lemonade in their baby bottle and leave them in the car whilst at the pokies, I think any mum is pretty fucking good).
Stop being so hard on yourself. Life is just too short, stop letting the weight get in the way, start doing shit you want to do... because I spent way too long not doing what I wanted for the same reason and now regret it.
I love you and am always here for you. Please always message me when you feel this way, because you need sometimes to be reminded that you have a whole posse of people who adore you, for you, not for your size or how you look.