Baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun

I feel in a bit of a state of flux, but am surprisingly rather content.

There are aspects of my life (mainly just myself - the usual) that I am unhappy with, but overall, I am not unhappy. Not happy either I don't think, but content. It's a pleasant feeling....

I am planning my next tattoo. At the end of next month it will be 10 years since Jeremy passed away (not technically, but since I found out and the grieving began). And I intend to commemorate this.

When I was telling someone of the whole situation, they seemed to think I was a little bit nuts. Something along the lines of "but you didn't know him that long, and you weren't actually a real couple, etc etc". I think this resonated with me because I often think that too. And yet there is no mistaking the impact he had on me, both in life and death.

He had this giant spider on his leg (took up his whole thigh). (Actually, I apologise if I have already shared this story, but it's my blog so too bad). The first time he took his pants off, I swear I almost cried. At that point in my life I was quite arachnophobic and to say the tattoo frightened me would be a fair comment (I was the girl who panicked over the "huge" spider which was actually less than the size of a 5 cent coin). I got used to it (it was so big that it couldn't possibly be real so that helped whenever I caught an unexpected glimpse of it under the bed covers or anything - the spider that is....). Since his death, I have had multiple encounters with similar species of spider that have surprisingly left me quite calm. No squealing or panicking at all. Bizarre. The first one perved on me in the shower. It made perfect sense that if he was to come back at all, that would be his style. And since then, with the exception of white tails (devil spawn), I cope very well with spiders and am even sometimes fascinated by them.

So if for no other reason, that is why I am getting the tattoo. Jeremy also taught me a bit about myself, what I want, the type of person I am. And I'm grateful for getting to know him, even if it for much too brief a time.