Remember today I've no respect for you...

I just read a story on FB by a young woman who was told by her crush, several years ago, that nothing could happen between them because she was too fat; the primary problem being "what would his friends think?". Now that she's lost a considerable amount of weight she sent him a pic of her in a bikini and pointed out that he was, is and forever will be a jerk.

And good on her.

It got my mind ticking over, and here comes the babbling...

Regular readers, and real life friends (I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this probably falls into both categories), will know that for the most of the beginning of this year I had a bit of a crush on a good friend of mine. When I daydreamed in my head that something might come of this, there were a few problems that arose as to why it wouldn't work out (a bit unfair considering that surely my imagination should be problem-free!). One was that I didn't want to ruin our friendship or cause any awkwardness. Two, is that I'm not hot enough to be his usual type (he usually goes out with girls with bangin' bodies, whereas I've been told numerous times that I have a pretty face, or would be gorgeous if I was skinnier). But the biggest obstacle I had would be what everyone else would think. While I may not be his type, I feel that could be overcome because I am awesome. However, I feel like everyone else (both his friends and just the general population) would think that I wasn't hot enough for him. Mostly because I'm pretty, but short and fat. Whereas he is tall and beautiful/handsome/all of the above.

This comes from a combination of things. One if just a hard dose of reality. People are judgemental as fuck. I know because I can be at times too, as well as learning this lesson in high school and from generally listening to people.

It also comes from an ex-boyfriend who tells you that it took him a while to introduce you to his friends because he knew they would judge me, and didn't want them to be disappointed when they met me, since I am a bigger girl. This is while we were still together, and about to spend an evening with said friends (when people wonder why I broke up with him (and make comments about how great he seemed), this is part of the reason).

I know I'm a bigger girl. I think I will always be to some degree (even if I managed to lose weight, I'm never going to be a stick thin girl, and I don't want to be). There are some guys out there who prefer bigger girls. The aforementioned ex was one of these, which seems like a good thing, except he did also once tell me that if I lost a decent amount of weight (to get into a healthier range - nothing too drastic) that he would find me considerably less attractive (what a champ...).

I read this article the other day (the writer also has an awesome blog that is definitely worth checking out). The first part of it really resonates with me. I've put up with that shit for most of my life (ever since my early teens). I admire this woman for the fact that she feels comfortable in her own skin. I like myself a lot more than I used to, but I still dislike my physical form. Not a deep hatred like I used to have, and I'm embracing it more, but even a 'like' is still a distance away.

Not sure if there is a point to this post, rather than just a general ramble...