So I've had a couple of weeks of highs and lows.
I've lost approx 3kgs in 3 weeks - so that's a bonus. For 2 weeks I was going awesomely with eating healthy, not putting so much shit into my body, and feeling so much better.
The weekend before last, I went down to Wellington for a gig with friends, as well as my Dad and his partner. It was so much fun and I had a couple of drinks, and hung out with my friend and her hot single male friend, and got a bit of a flirt on. At the end of the night, we all hugged and then I drove home again. At this point, I crashed (emotionally, not literally). I just felt like shit. Admittedly I was very tired. But it carried on into the next day. Not feeling good enough or pretty enough or thin enough - hot guys that I lust after will never look at me in that way, etc etc.
By Monday I was marginally better, mostly due to sleep, but the healthy lifestyle definitely slipped.
I was getting my groove back towards the end of the week, and then on this most recent weekend, we went to New Plymouth for a Tattoo and Art festival. It was amazing, the weather was beautiful and it was such a great day. And then I crashed again. There were so many hot guys, but then so many hot girls also, and again I felt like I would never be good enough. There were amazing burlesque dancers, which were both a source of inspiration (imagine being able to do that and getting fit and hot etc) and a source of despair (I will never be like that so why bother even trying). Again I was shattered. And then we went to a friends house and I mildly flirted with a guy, who then wasn't interested, and while it was harmless fun at the time, it became depressing after the fact.
And now I'm back in this "why even bother" state. Its a pointless state to be in, and it's not healthy or helping, but its a hard funk to shake out of.
I have been part of a "Biggest Loser" type competition for 4 weeks now (the only time I've been weighing myself at all in the last couple of months) and it was going well, and now I even feel like I'm letting all of them down because I'm sure I've put on weight this week (PMS isn't helping...)
GAH!
End of sad rant. Will try to make my next post about something a bit more upbeat.
It seems to me that you are self sabotaging. "I can't get these hot guys unless I am skinny, but instead of losing weight or realising that they are too shallow to be worth my time, I am going to mope and eat poorly".
ReplyDeleteI stand by my vindictiveness motivation: lose weight, become healthy and who you want to be, and they will eat their own shallow little livers wishing they took the opportunity to grab you when they had the chance, but you wont hear them because you will be surrounded by A list musicians and actors who are both hot and not superficial slobs and will love you for you.
I know you are beautiful, inside and out. The reason you should bother is because YOU don't seem to realise it, and that lack of self esteem is holding you back far more than your weight.
Love you xx
DeleteDon't sass me just do as I say :p I love you too.
DeleteOk Bobby :)
DeleteBeautiful words starCryer has said. But I get your point. Until recently I was in a great relationship and now I am self sabotaging. I don't think I am good enough for my partner after hitting the triple figures again.
ReplyDeleteIt might not be about weight per se, but how you feel with in yourself. If you are like me, I am disgusted in myself, I hate that I have let myself go and in punishment to myself I degrade myself in my mind. I know where I got this from..... All those years at high school with those losers treating us like shit.
We can't continue with stockholm syndrome, it's 15 years on and both of us are smart intelligent successful women.
You have to remind yourself of that.
Yep - and part of Starcryer's strategy is to lose weight as a big "fuck you" to those same losers that always treated us like shit. And to the guys who overlooked us. I think part of me just struggles to believe that it will ever happen... And yep the same - feeling disgusted in myself
DeleteHow's it all going now? Are you feeling better about things?
ReplyDeleteCongrats on losing 3kg in 3 weeks! Even if you haven't kept all of it off now, YOU DID THAT. Your choices, and your self-care, that's what lost those 3 kg. It wasn't a fluke, and it wasn't luck. It was YOU. <3
Statistically, some of those hot dudes at the tattoo festival would have preferred you to the burlesque dancers. Did I just blow your mind? ;)
Do it for yourself, do it to feel good and have athletic sex, blah blah, you know all this. Not sure if I can say anything that'll help you believe it's possible. Except that hey, you lost some weight, what's stopping you from losing a little bit more? And then a little bit more after that? Break it down into smaller, achievable steps.
And from my own recent experience, make sure you get enough sleep!! Everything is so much easier to face when you've slept eight hours.
Mildly better. Saw Jo yesterday and realised that even my 2 weeks of shit eating were way way better than they would have been even just a month or two ago, so at least some stuff is becoming a bit more of a better habit.
DeleteYou didnt blow my mind - but mostly because I find that hard to believe... :)
Yeah I have definitely felt much worse because of less sleep in the last 2 weekends. It fucks with your mind for sure