But hearts beat slower in the garden below

I am having a very low day, but I wanted to write. Not about my low day - maybe later. But a general rambling that has recently occurred to me.

Last month I went on a roadtrip where I got to see my bestest friend for the first time all year. I miss her like crazy. She knows me better than I know myself - which is both scary and comforting as all hell. Though I do miss her, one thing I love about our relationship is that whenever we do see each other, no matter if it's been a month or a year, it's as if we have never been apart. Our friendship is like that super soft snuggly favourite pair of slippers.

Anyway, we were having a conversation where she was telling me a story about when a male friend asked her who, if she could choose from anyone in the world, she would want to make fall in love with her. And her answer was me. I forget all the reasoning behind it because it had me in tears. I still am astounded by how much this person loves me, and how much she has my back. It is often more than I feel I deserve, mostly because I am a little crazy like that. Anyway, it was to do with how low I was at that point, and how much she wanted to support me and how I would then love someone who loved me and who wouldn't hurt me. Or similar. I'm sure if I am totally off she will correct me.

And it got me thinking back to my "crush" at the start of the year on a very dear friend of mine. There was a "kiss" that almost doesn't count. And I spent a while thinking I loved him in a different way, and that I wanted more. Yet in all this time, a sexual relationship did not actually enter my mind. My brain did not even go there. And not because I don't find him attractive, but I just do not think of him in that way at all. Kissing and affection sure, but not beyond that.

I think part of the whole crush/attraction thing, was similar to what my friend was talking about with me - in that I was wanting to be there for him. To make him realise that not all girls are cheating whores who care more about themselves than anyone else. To help him realise that he is amazing and that he is truly loved without any of that bullshit. And also because I need that in my life - I want someone to love and to care for, who also loves me back.

I had a friend comment that she thought I had always loved said guy. And it's true - I always have. But not really as anything more than friends or family. And now he has found someone who seems lovely, and for now at least, he has what he has always wanted in that he has a partner and a family and he appears happy, which is awesome and all I could ever want for him, and for all my friends.