Still I'm convinced that wondering 'what if?' is the worst thing there is

My goal for this week is not to consume any soft drinks, and to drink primarily only water. I have done well so far, although I have had one hot chocolate (the lovely ladies at work are impossible to resist).
Next week's goal is not to consume any processed sugar, which should include hot chocolates sadly. If it wasn't for my friends in the cafe I would find this much easier to give up. If I just get them onside to not allow me to get one for a while, we should be okay.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that a lot of my weight is guy related. I mean, I know its a self-esteem issue most of all. And I think if I lose weight I'll have more luck with the opposite sex (has definitely been true in the past, although this could be due to increased confidence rather than just physical appeal, etc). But I think this is also what is stopping me subconsciously from following through with my good intentions (the road to hell is paved with them don't you know?). Because of the low self-esteem, I don't think I'm good enough as a person, and its just more convenient to blame this on weight, or something like that. It makes more sense in my head, but I still feel the need to type out some ramble as well to try to process it a little more.

In the meantime, I'm still a little in love with a friend of mine who loves me as a friend. To the point that even without thinking about him at all recently, I managed to have a bit of a steamy dream about him last night. This does not help. And I think that I could never be with him because I'm not his type. And even if he went 'off-type', I would always be thinking that I'm not his type, unless I got fitter and lost some weight. And while I think this is a good reason to do so, the fact that it might not work out, or be amazing and be just what I wanted - both these options scare me into doing nothing at all.

My hormones are in overdrive at the moment too. To the point that while walking down the street with a friend last week, I got so distracted by a hot guy (mmm, the arms on this guy) that I lost my train of thought and actually stopped talking altogether. One of those moments where I kept on walking but my head was contorted with trying to still remain looking at him. Crikey! It was fairly hilarious, and luckily my friend just laughed at me. Slightly embarrassing though....